I was listening to a message and this phrase came up. “You can’t make God feel bad about you” The message was on the Lord bearing our burdens. Now I have many times in my life looked around as some of you and wondered where is GOD? There is a song “ You can’t ask too much of my God.” Beth Moore says often “tell God he can take it!” Well……………………….. lets put all that into this evenings post.
Sometimes in the midst of a huge struggle we think NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE!!! Now a few months down the road life takes turns and poof things change and you wonder if you will ever feel something that resembles normal again.
You look around and see all the destruction and feel as if a small nuclear bomb of the soul has gone off. You wonder if you will see past your hurt and tears to know and feel something other than empty pain. You wonder if you will keep the cycle going that has brought you full circle to where you vowed you would never been again. I have been in those places and the new turn in my blog is me digging out from the rubble. Rubble? Yeah, I have messed up some things, I have made mistakes and like it or not mistakes have consequences. Once they are out of the box all you feel that you can do is damage control. Damage control leads to covering up and denial but a real life assessments are necessary and reality checks in order. David was a heart searcher. He was a man after God’s heart but he too suffered under the world’s system. No wonder God said our hearts are deceitful and wicked. It’s the tricks that we play on ourselves that deceive us from the inside the most.
So lets look at life. Is life based on what I feel or what the truth is? Well anyone honest would say it’s based on the truth. What is the truth? God is truth. Should I expect to find life outside that fact. Nope, but ah that is where I get into trouble. My filters are not truth based they are created by me and everything that happens without God’s truth gets filtered in a way that is flawed. That creates havoc on my inside and a facade on the outside. I can’t get away with that long without a melt down. Basically, I am a “one God gal” I come running back to my Father with my bruised knees. I can’t live very long in darkness or shaded truth. I am not talking about legalism and I don’t like folks throwing that word around as if digging for excuses. Grace is the undeniable expression of God’s love toward us. If you were to sum up the total bridge that Jesus provides us to God it would be girded with truth and covered with grace. Ah, what a Savior, what a great and mighty God who loves us so. What an infinite well of water that we never thirst again.
My truth filters often are not subject to God’s truth as much as I would like for them too. I can justify just about anything if I am prideful and stubborn. That is why reading the WORD of God is paramount to understanding our Maker and Creator. My ways are foolish but His ways are noble. Even when I fail, my holy Father loves me, never leaves me, isn’t surprised, and doesn’t feel bad about me. He will not love me less. All praise belongs to him
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Bitter? Me? *Shock Face*
I am here! I can't believe it. I have let a root of bitterness settle in my life. I went to church today hoping to sing and lift my heart a little. It is Mother's Day and the second one without my children. It's been over 6 years since my family was intact as a whole traditional family. Four of those years we were surviving under the grace of God doing the best we all could to heal. Two little precious children were rocked when the "angel of divorce" ( added for dramatic emphasis) came knocking at our door. Not trying to be insensitive to divorce because it has been one of the most life changing factors in my recent life. Just able to be down the road knowing it will change your life but not end it. Pre-divorce I had a Mayberry existence and could have never entertained the idea of being single today. My bitterness came as a surprise to me. I had my own idea of who I was and how much strength I had. Never would I have admitted as a Christian that I was bitter. The connotation was one of a person who was very angry at life who didn't have a voice in their circumstances and who now must put together what others tore apart with some of the pieces missing. Yikes! That is who I have become. My story will sound boring but you never know who is reading so I will give a brief synopsis. My Dad was distant I married a copy of him who was distant most of the marriage but I didn't know any better because it was my normal. When he stated he was having and affair I divorced him. I haven't had a successful relationship and don't know if that is possible for me. That is a side issue. What I have discovered is that I am bitter from being rejected and held distant. I thought I was angry but my anger somewhere on the road turned to bitterness. I find myself angry at every person and everything. I think things I generally had a high threshold of patience for are now so annoying. My stomach is in knots and my spiritual life is AAAACCCCCKKKK!! I thought if so and so would just do this or that all would be right in my world. BUZZZZZZZZZZ nope that is not going to fix this. The root of bitterness has to go. It has to be excised. All the things that cause it have to go out the window. I had no clue it was there but now that I do, it would be pride and rebellion on my part to leave it alone to fester and infest all who are around me with my "wonderfulness" (sarcasm) I am not wonderful when I am in this shape. Never been here before but I know what wonderful is and it "aint" me. I am hard to deal with, restless, angry, short tempered, sick, hurt, frustrated. An ant crossing the 4 lane highway gets my attention just because my senses are on "full alert" Lord help anyone who gets a blast of me. It's like meeting a flame thrower. Why would I post this? Because I want to be back to my cute and funny loving self. I don't want to be so occupied with my pain that I forget to live the good times now. Here's what happened at church today. I have asked God to help me forgive where needed, press the delete button on things that need to go, and to help restore what I have lost in this season of hurt and frustration. I have asked him to help me not strive, complain, and argue my way through this time of growth and healing but to put him first. I want to praise through this no matter how deep the valley or dark the storm. I am laying down my weapons and giving up my own strength to allow God to fight this battle. "See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by it many be defiled." (Hebrews 12:15)
Thursday, April 24, 2008
We are not meant to survive-huh?
I know it sounds misleading but hear me out. I was listening to a message this week and wanted to share some of the ideas. I always have side table discussion with myself when I hear something because I am evaluating things constantly. Here’s the thing. Why do we live and cling and cower when we are supposed to live an abundant life? Did Jesus die so we could just merely survive? Was he bruised for our transgressions so that we can just meagerly make it. What I am saying is this, the joy of the Lord is my strength. Wait, joy= strength. I thought if you were strong you would automatically have joy because strong folks do not ger run over by life and do not struggle and fail. Well that is the key strong folks don’t do those things but get this, they are not strong and then have joy, They have joy in the Lord which makes them strong. Something inside is driving them like a power plant giving them energy when things seem hopeless and giving them the last mile that folks always tell us we are supposed to go. Something inside gives them joy when life is not picture perfect. That power is Christ inside. Women of strength and valor are that way because of the indwelling of Christ and the leading of the Holy Spirit. Lesson One in moving on, tune in same bat time same bat channel for the next place I take this thought.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Trust, Relationships and Harm's Way
Trust is hard to define for me but is something that I know is vital in a relationship. When it is gone the relationship is over. Someone once said, "if only I were the person my dog thinks I am." I don't know all of the implications of trust or a lack thereof. I can only speak from a personal perspective. So I will plod along here for a few minutes if you will allow.
If you have read any of my previous post you have seen a couple of facts about me that might shed light on this post so I will repeat them here. Basically, I was grew up in a home with a very distant father, then I became a Christian and met and married a man who was on track to be a preacher, we met at Bible college and served the Lord in the music ministry at a fundamental Baptist church until he ran off with another woman. I know some would think, aaaack, don't say all of that online. Well, two things to consider, one what I might say could possibly help someone which would make it all work together for good, and secondly I find I need to share it somewhere.
So maybe I will give God a break and say it here :) . My marriage in 1982 was I thought a time in my life that was exciting and wonderful. I dearly loved my husband and what I thought was partnership and teamwork became burden and bondage to him. We never seemed to be on the same page. I thought if you love the Lord there would be fruit. He led the choir in our church and I taught in a Christian school. He never prayed, had a desire for souls, or read the Bible, slept in church and went through the motions.
There was always a tension there but I still thought the first 10 years we were just a normal couple and that because I didn't really know or understand the love of my father that I had to not put too much stock into the "something." Unfortunately, my coping mechanism was to see reality in a light that was more of a fantasy than what was really happening. I changed the truth into fantasy. I was clueless trying to love beyond all of it thinking love was enough.
In 1992, he had his first affair. I never saw it coming and was totally blown away emotionally. That is what happens when you believe in fantasies. When reality rears it's head you are in shock. I would say that day trust between us died. We stuck it out past 2 more affairs to finally divorce in 2001. I never could look at him again the same way. I couldn't get back in the game because he became to me someone who could throw me away and put me back to remembrance of my childhood pain.
I have loved since my first marriage but found that trust again has become an issue with me. I know now that I can not and will never exist in a relationship where there is no trust. Once broken I can not dream or imagine past the reality that trust is gone. No matter how much my heart might want to, my head now knows better. If someone betrays you no matter what their intention was there is no partnership, no team, no future, no hope, no value, no committment. That is how I believe it is and staying around is only to make yourself a victim. The truth builds a foundation that will stand the test and trials of life. Deception is not the work of God. So when people show you who they are you have to believe them to do otherwise is to put your emotional health in harm's way.
We can only trust our faithful God in this life if we want assurance of safety.
If you have read any of my previous post you have seen a couple of facts about me that might shed light on this post so I will repeat them here. Basically, I was grew up in a home with a very distant father, then I became a Christian and met and married a man who was on track to be a preacher, we met at Bible college and served the Lord in the music ministry at a fundamental Baptist church until he ran off with another woman. I know some would think, aaaack, don't say all of that online. Well, two things to consider, one what I might say could possibly help someone which would make it all work together for good, and secondly I find I need to share it somewhere.
So maybe I will give God a break and say it here :) . My marriage in 1982 was I thought a time in my life that was exciting and wonderful. I dearly loved my husband and what I thought was partnership and teamwork became burden and bondage to him. We never seemed to be on the same page. I thought if you love the Lord there would be fruit. He led the choir in our church and I taught in a Christian school. He never prayed, had a desire for souls, or read the Bible, slept in church and went through the motions.
There was always a tension there but I still thought the first 10 years we were just a normal couple and that because I didn't really know or understand the love of my father that I had to not put too much stock into the "something." Unfortunately, my coping mechanism was to see reality in a light that was more of a fantasy than what was really happening. I changed the truth into fantasy. I was clueless trying to love beyond all of it thinking love was enough.
In 1992, he had his first affair. I never saw it coming and was totally blown away emotionally. That is what happens when you believe in fantasies. When reality rears it's head you are in shock. I would say that day trust between us died. We stuck it out past 2 more affairs to finally divorce in 2001. I never could look at him again the same way. I couldn't get back in the game because he became to me someone who could throw me away and put me back to remembrance of my childhood pain.
I have loved since my first marriage but found that trust again has become an issue with me. I know now that I can not and will never exist in a relationship where there is no trust. Once broken I can not dream or imagine past the reality that trust is gone. No matter how much my heart might want to, my head now knows better. If someone betrays you no matter what their intention was there is no partnership, no team, no future, no hope, no value, no committment. That is how I believe it is and staying around is only to make yourself a victim. The truth builds a foundation that will stand the test and trials of life. Deception is not the work of God. So when people show you who they are you have to believe them to do otherwise is to put your emotional health in harm's way.
We can only trust our faithful God in this life if we want assurance of safety.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Freedom and Victory
Romans 7:14-25
14 For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin.
What a declaration from the beginning of this passage. The words “we know.” There is nothing new under the sun and not much that we don’t know about what GOD expects in the area of our sin. We know God’s Word is the authority on these matters.
Have you ever known without any shadow of a doubt that something was being done in the flesh and still proceeded?
15 For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.
We can all find ourselves in the preceding verses. Without a doubt we know that certain behaviors lead us to shame and hurt. Self-loathing becomes a norm and we continue to feed our flesh telling ourselves all the while that “we just have to”
Have you ever hated yourself for being right back ensnared in a sin that you once had victory over? The good news is that if you once had or never had victory over that sin you can today! God is accountable to us to keep His Promises that we will cover later.
16 If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. 17 Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
I think human nature is defined in vs 16. Have you ever known someone so well that you said whatever they tell you to do … you’ll do opposite. That is the point made in vs 16. It’s so ingrained in us to do opposite of what the Spirit calls us to do. As a matter of fact the verse here is saying explicitly that the only way to agree with the law is to do opposite of what we want.
18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.
Recognizing the fact that in our flesh dwells no good thing will help us to regard the enemy within with due respect. Remember we are “born into sin.” Basically here the Bible says that it is easier to do what _______________ than to perform that which is ______. Notice the phrase “I find not” We have to aggressively seek to do that which is good. It doesn’t just happen to us. Sin will easily happen because in many cases just doing nothing brings it on.
What does this mean? Well God cannot lie and in His Word He promises that we have an escape for every temptation. That escape can be as simple as physically leaving the presence of a temptation or taking your thoughts captive. In either case it requires an active, purposeful decision on your part. That decision will not be as clear without the Word dwelling in you for ready access.
1Co 10:18
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. 20 Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 21 I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.
Here again we see the conflict, at one time we live in the flesh for a season and another in the Spirit. God’s desire for us is to live in the Spirit and have the peace that comes with that. We can see in the following verses the relation of living that way.
22 For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:
When life is rolling along and we are getting (and the word getting is appropriate) the victory GOD intended we do delight in the perfect peace that passeth all understanding. All too often we do not recognize the war and return to our complacency in our sin.
23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24 O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?
IS there hope….. ? It seems that recognizing the war is part of the victory. And a good plan of attack is alluded to in the previous verses. The war is against our mind and brings us into captivity. We have to reverse this process and form our mind as outlined in the Bible we have to bring some things into captivity.
25 I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.
These verses below are a springboard for aggressively denying the flesh unto obedience to God.
Philippians 2:1-51 If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, 2 Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. 4 Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. 5 Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:
I Corinthians 10:4-6
4 (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) 5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; 6 And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.
14 For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin.
What a declaration from the beginning of this passage. The words “we know.” There is nothing new under the sun and not much that we don’t know about what GOD expects in the area of our sin. We know God’s Word is the authority on these matters.
Have you ever known without any shadow of a doubt that something was being done in the flesh and still proceeded?
15 For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.
We can all find ourselves in the preceding verses. Without a doubt we know that certain behaviors lead us to shame and hurt. Self-loathing becomes a norm and we continue to feed our flesh telling ourselves all the while that “we just have to”
Have you ever hated yourself for being right back ensnared in a sin that you once had victory over? The good news is that if you once had or never had victory over that sin you can today! God is accountable to us to keep His Promises that we will cover later.
16 If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. 17 Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
I think human nature is defined in vs 16. Have you ever known someone so well that you said whatever they tell you to do … you’ll do opposite. That is the point made in vs 16. It’s so ingrained in us to do opposite of what the Spirit calls us to do. As a matter of fact the verse here is saying explicitly that the only way to agree with the law is to do opposite of what we want.
18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.
Recognizing the fact that in our flesh dwells no good thing will help us to regard the enemy within with due respect. Remember we are “born into sin.” Basically here the Bible says that it is easier to do what _______________ than to perform that which is ______. Notice the phrase “I find not” We have to aggressively seek to do that which is good. It doesn’t just happen to us. Sin will easily happen because in many cases just doing nothing brings it on.
What does this mean? Well God cannot lie and in His Word He promises that we have an escape for every temptation. That escape can be as simple as physically leaving the presence of a temptation or taking your thoughts captive. In either case it requires an active, purposeful decision on your part. That decision will not be as clear without the Word dwelling in you for ready access.
1Co 10:18
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. 20 Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 21 I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.
Here again we see the conflict, at one time we live in the flesh for a season and another in the Spirit. God’s desire for us is to live in the Spirit and have the peace that comes with that. We can see in the following verses the relation of living that way.
22 For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:
When life is rolling along and we are getting (and the word getting is appropriate) the victory GOD intended we do delight in the perfect peace that passeth all understanding. All too often we do not recognize the war and return to our complacency in our sin.
23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24 O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?
IS there hope….. ? It seems that recognizing the war is part of the victory. And a good plan of attack is alluded to in the previous verses. The war is against our mind and brings us into captivity. We have to reverse this process and form our mind as outlined in the Bible we have to bring some things into captivity.
25 I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.
These verses below are a springboard for aggressively denying the flesh unto obedience to God.
Philippians 2:1-51 If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, 2 Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. 4 Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. 5 Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:
I Corinthians 10:4-6
4 (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) 5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; 6 And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
I wish you were dead so I could have the girls and the money.
Whether you intend to or not you are always communicating. Some relationships fail due to communication but the reason is not that you are not communicating it is because what you are communicating conditions the person to contrive their own assessment of the "state of the union" I know in my case that was the one thing I could say broke up my marriage. My ex communicated to me that I was not wanted and needed but necessary to "clean the house, take care of the kids" When you percieve your wife that way then it causes her to do her darndest to try to win that level of achievement of being wanted and needed. This sets up a friction that erodes the relationship because the man then feels chased and this demise begins. After 20 years of this my ex husband ran off with someone and had an affair. This was the ultimate reason I left him. Looking back is not something I want to do too often but I can see that basically he never invested in me. I was an existence in the same house with him but there was never a time when he cared about being a team or partner. I remember always waiting for that magic day but it never came. The day that did come was a day in which I could tell he was distraught and I asked what I could do to help or if he wanted to tell me all about it. We went upstairs because we never let life's troubles worry our children. I sat on the bed and he sat there and eyeball to eyeball he told me verbatim, "I wish you were dead" I expected to hear about a job trouble or spiritual problem but never did I expect those words. I remember my heart beating so hard it hurt and I asked why on earth would he wish that. He said, "so I could have the girls and the money" I wasn't horrified I was completely ripped down to nothing. My whole life with him culminated in this statement. It was 18 months later that he called from a business trip to say he was in love with someone else and I needed to get a lawyer. I did get a lawyer and 20 years of marriage was over. I remember thinking after the dust settled that I was relieved. I had lived most of that time trying to please someone who was never in love with me or at least that is what he said when I asked him one day what happened to make him leave. It was a hard life to live never being able to become one. Six years later I am feeling the same way again.
I began thinking I could have a chance in another relationship. I know my "being distant" radar is high and once my daughter said that she didn't want me to be alone but that someone would have to overcome alot of hurt to reach my heart again. I did try once more. I was first in the position serving and loving someone and it was my joy to, this turned to trying to please them and not make mistakes. The progression of the distance I was kept because they couldn't embrace the idea then turned to being one of friction that has frustrated me. I have been conditioned to believe that I can't have relationships with anyone ever period. Now instead of looking for a way to make it work most of my time is spent being conditioned that I am not wanted, not needed. Full circle except that I am not willing to stay in a relationship that makes me feel this way. Loving me just shouldn't be so hard. I reflect the watering of my garden.
I began thinking I could have a chance in another relationship. I know my "being distant" radar is high and once my daughter said that she didn't want me to be alone but that someone would have to overcome alot of hurt to reach my heart again. I did try once more. I was first in the position serving and loving someone and it was my joy to, this turned to trying to please them and not make mistakes. The progression of the distance I was kept because they couldn't embrace the idea then turned to being one of friction that has frustrated me. I have been conditioned to believe that I can't have relationships with anyone ever period. Now instead of looking for a way to make it work most of my time is spent being conditioned that I am not wanted, not needed. Full circle except that I am not willing to stay in a relationship that makes me feel this way. Loving me just shouldn't be so hard. I reflect the watering of my garden.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Past the Tears
Ever want something so much that you ache for it? Ever cry then get to a point of realizing that you can't cry anymore? Ever give up on a dream? Ever asked yourself why am I doing this?
Yeah the list goes on blah blah blah ....... I have noticed that I am numbing to some of my dreams. I am not sure if that is a protective measure or if God is taking away the desires I have for a mate or for love. I just know that I seem to be apathetic about the whole issue. I don't go to bed thinking I might have a chance to be married again or there might be a better day ahead. I don't imagine how life could be or what might have been. I just recently turned 47 and it was bittersweet. There were no gifts or celebration of any kind and I was in urgent care for chest and arm pain only to have a cardio stress test and find out my heart is like that of a 30 year old. Go me.
But what I am uncertain about is what is going on with me. I just can't imagine some of the things I have been through happening to one person in one life. Some I have brought my way but the majority have been hard and have brought me to the point of thinking that maybe love isn't all it's cracked up to be. Not family love or the love of great friends. I don't seem to have any problem loving others. I am talking about relationships with the opposite sex.
I just have no desire to worry or fret over having that closeness again. It doesn't make sense to keep hoping, praying, and yearning for something especially if you are met with resistance or rejection. I don't know what has switched in me or if God has answered my prayer not to desire that so much. I have no doubt God will lead me and guide me. Either way maybe this will be a time in my life I can move forward in the Lord.
Yeah the list goes on blah blah blah ....... I have noticed that I am numbing to some of my dreams. I am not sure if that is a protective measure or if God is taking away the desires I have for a mate or for love. I just know that I seem to be apathetic about the whole issue. I don't go to bed thinking I might have a chance to be married again or there might be a better day ahead. I don't imagine how life could be or what might have been. I just recently turned 47 and it was bittersweet. There were no gifts or celebration of any kind and I was in urgent care for chest and arm pain only to have a cardio stress test and find out my heart is like that of a 30 year old. Go me.
But what I am uncertain about is what is going on with me. I just can't imagine some of the things I have been through happening to one person in one life. Some I have brought my way but the majority have been hard and have brought me to the point of thinking that maybe love isn't all it's cracked up to be. Not family love or the love of great friends. I don't seem to have any problem loving others. I am talking about relationships with the opposite sex.
I just have no desire to worry or fret over having that closeness again. It doesn't make sense to keep hoping, praying, and yearning for something especially if you are met with resistance or rejection. I don't know what has switched in me or if God has answered my prayer not to desire that so much. I have no doubt God will lead me and guide me. Either way maybe this will be a time in my life I can move forward in the Lord.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Learning to Walk
(still working on this one not complete)
I don't remember learning to walk or talk but I do remember watching my girls learn both. They would look at me and try to take that step. Sometimes I would reach out and hold their little hand that would grip mine as they would take assisted steps. I would let go but stay near to see if they could balance on their own. Wobble, wobble, wobble, then poof right down they would go. Each time we did the exercise the wobbles were less and the time standing would increase. In my absence when I wasn't there to offer assistance they would pull up to things but never let go to walk. It wasn't long before they took that first step. I remember clapping and hugging and praising. We both had so much joy. Sometimes they would look at me and move that foot almost as if they enjoyed me enjoying them. I miss those days. That celebration transfered to each milestone they achieved. It was a celebration of many first to come. First bike ride without training wheels, learning to skate, academics, sports and then the best of all a relationship with God. It all was so natural to nurture and love and water their garden as they bloomed. They have bloomed to be exceptional children with room to grow as we always have.
Can you imagine how their lives would have turned out if when they first pulled up to something I sat them down and scowled at them? What if I said to them, you forced your way here and I am resentful dealing with your presence. Can you imagine me assisting them then letting go and watching them fall only to say it was their own fault for trying? What if I tore up the first paper they brought home from school or analyzed it for not being what I thought it should be. Imagine that first "art project" ending up in the trash. What if their eyes longing for the natural parental relationship and love that should be there, were instead met with disapproval as if they could or had to do something to make me love and accept them? Can you imagine telling that child that the way they are makes you reject them? Even worse telling them that something needs to change to be accepted but you have to guess what that is. A child like that would feel so rejected and would eventually stop trying to gain love and acceptance. They will usually look for it elsewhere in order to get out of the house as fast as they can. They wouldn't know how win and would lose the desire to. They might see glimpses of hope but eventually the rejection would become so painful they would shut down in that direction.
It's hurtful to even write such imaginations because it hits too close to home. I have been that child in my lifetime in a few situations. I am that child right now.
Yesteday was my birthday. I spent it in silence at work digging in and getting things done. I then went home and prepared to go to the doctor for chest and arm pain. Sitting there alone was hard but necessary. I left there to go home concerned for what my medical condition might be only to further be torn to shreds to my very core. What I started out hearing in shock ended in pain. I can't describe it all but can say that when nothing changes nothing changes. I have to learn to walk all over again. I feel rejected, totally misunderstood, and shut down which was what I was trying to prevent. I can't describe how much this hurts, I can't even talk about it. My art work was my dreams and they are all smashed.
Where's God. Well that is the good news. God is right here being the first parent, watching me fall and helping me up. Seeing me cry and drying my tears. God is there celebrating whatever I salvage from this. I can look up in any direction and God is there. I need to let him heal this because this time it's bigger than my ability.
I have become like that child that wants to give up. I have tried to restrain myself from that but can't. I can't and don't desire to continue in the vein I have been traveling. I just want to go home at this point.
I don't remember learning to walk or talk but I do remember watching my girls learn both. They would look at me and try to take that step. Sometimes I would reach out and hold their little hand that would grip mine as they would take assisted steps. I would let go but stay near to see if they could balance on their own. Wobble, wobble, wobble, then poof right down they would go. Each time we did the exercise the wobbles were less and the time standing would increase. In my absence when I wasn't there to offer assistance they would pull up to things but never let go to walk. It wasn't long before they took that first step. I remember clapping and hugging and praising. We both had so much joy. Sometimes they would look at me and move that foot almost as if they enjoyed me enjoying them. I miss those days. That celebration transfered to each milestone they achieved. It was a celebration of many first to come. First bike ride without training wheels, learning to skate, academics, sports and then the best of all a relationship with God. It all was so natural to nurture and love and water their garden as they bloomed. They have bloomed to be exceptional children with room to grow as we always have.
Can you imagine how their lives would have turned out if when they first pulled up to something I sat them down and scowled at them? What if I said to them, you forced your way here and I am resentful dealing with your presence. Can you imagine me assisting them then letting go and watching them fall only to say it was their own fault for trying? What if I tore up the first paper they brought home from school or analyzed it for not being what I thought it should be. Imagine that first "art project" ending up in the trash. What if their eyes longing for the natural parental relationship and love that should be there, were instead met with disapproval as if they could or had to do something to make me love and accept them? Can you imagine telling that child that the way they are makes you reject them? Even worse telling them that something needs to change to be accepted but you have to guess what that is. A child like that would feel so rejected and would eventually stop trying to gain love and acceptance. They will usually look for it elsewhere in order to get out of the house as fast as they can. They wouldn't know how win and would lose the desire to. They might see glimpses of hope but eventually the rejection would become so painful they would shut down in that direction.
It's hurtful to even write such imaginations because it hits too close to home. I have been that child in my lifetime in a few situations. I am that child right now.
Yesteday was my birthday. I spent it in silence at work digging in and getting things done. I then went home and prepared to go to the doctor for chest and arm pain. Sitting there alone was hard but necessary. I left there to go home concerned for what my medical condition might be only to further be torn to shreds to my very core. What I started out hearing in shock ended in pain. I can't describe it all but can say that when nothing changes nothing changes. I have to learn to walk all over again. I feel rejected, totally misunderstood, and shut down which was what I was trying to prevent. I can't describe how much this hurts, I can't even talk about it. My art work was my dreams and they are all smashed.
Where's God. Well that is the good news. God is right here being the first parent, watching me fall and helping me up. Seeing me cry and drying my tears. God is there celebrating whatever I salvage from this. I can look up in any direction and God is there. I need to let him heal this because this time it's bigger than my ability.
I have become like that child that wants to give up. I have tried to restrain myself from that but can't. I can't and don't desire to continue in the vein I have been traveling. I just want to go home at this point.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Ever feel like your journey is this way?
Ever feel like you start something and keep running into brick walls only to find when you turn the corner another brick wall appears again? I have the coffee mug and tee shirt for this one. I can't do this anymore. I just can't. My heart is tired for sure and to wind up at the same starting place is insanity. What do you do?
Well first look up to your Father who is there regardless of the walls. I can't see through the walls but I can look up to God who not only can see through them but who knows what they mean. Secondly, maybe the journey continues to the same place because you are not learning what you need to learn. Yikes, I so hate that but it might just be true. Third, maybe you shouldn't have started that particular journey. Fourth and optimistically, maybe you should begin a new journey that is more open to who you are and what you are all about and open to who God is in your life. I actually have never seen a dog bark up the wrong tree but I have seen plenty of folks do it.
If your journey is only met with brick walls then something has to change. What will it be. New job, new location, new set of friends, renewing your mind in Christ, seeking God first. There are so many opportunities awaiting you. The one thing that you can't do is sit still and batter and bruise yourself against those walls. God bless.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
God's Total Acceptance
I thought long and hard before writing this but sometimes you have to give a voice to your heart. I see the Psalms almost as David's blog. Thank God he was transparent in his pain and success so that we can see that Christians don't have to be perfect but are perfectly forgiven. I have a lot to learn and some growing and healing still to do. The stabilizing force in my life is the love of God. I know beyond any moment or inconvenience or pain I experience that God is there. I am never alone. I may feel alone but feelings are not reality sometimes. What I have to trust is what God has said. I was told all my life not to be selfish to think of others and in doing that I let me out of the mix. Now I am learning and growing and reflecting and I see so much that I could have grown in that I didn't because I was serving others. No regrets but it's time to take care of myself better emotionally, physically, and most important spiritually. I love life and am trying to find my place in a new world that I don't understand yet. Spending 17 years in education in a protected Christian environment did not prepare me for what I am experiencing now. I will be 47 and still am learning some things folks learn in their 20's.
Any man who wants to be in my life is going to have to love me or lose me. I just don't have time to analyze, self reflect, remake, or cajole or plea. Who wants relationship where you are guessing or wondering. Who would want a relationship where there is someone on the other end waiting for life to come together to live. Either I am valued or I am not. I can't apologize for being me, for feeling, for caring or for loving. I trust God when I am wrong or out of line to show me and hope to continue to grow. I appreciate the folks he uses in my life to show me also.
Thank God for total acceptance .........
Any man who wants to be in my life is going to have to love me or lose me. I just don't have time to analyze, self reflect, remake, or cajole or plea. Who wants relationship where you are guessing or wondering. Who would want a relationship where there is someone on the other end waiting for life to come together to live. Either I am valued or I am not. I can't apologize for being me, for feeling, for caring or for loving. I trust God when I am wrong or out of line to show me and hope to continue to grow. I appreciate the folks he uses in my life to show me also.
Thank God for total acceptance .........
Monday, February 4, 2008
Awakened Dreamer
I have no value in this life which I finally understand. No one loves me enough to love me forever except God. I resign to that fact and cease my quest for love. I have awakened from one bad dream to the next to find out that no matter how much you hope, pray, love, care, and give, folks who don't want you just simply don't and you can't change that. It's as transcendental as the love of God who won't force someone to love him back. I should have known better but I dreamed past my head and heart. Now they have caught up and I am a million miles from where I need to be at this time in my life. It will be a long journey back to me, the person I used to know. Praise the Lord, He will walk with me I will not be afraid. Dear Father, your child needs her shepherd to find the fold again and be safe. Trying to explain what God means to me and why I see His Love as an exchange which is exhibited by my submission and service. If you just hear the words to this song and let them sink in… especially the part that says……. MY CHAINS ARE GONE…. You would understand what my heart knows.
I am free from the sting of death…….. Sin brings death…..physical for sure but also the death of life abundant the spiritual death.
Spiritual death is when the ravages of sin brings the death of right thinking, of dreams, of vision, of compassion, of right desires and actions.
I HAVE BEEN SET FREE BY TRUTH of who God is, what He has done, and who I am in HIM. >…. Not by what others think or this world defines.
Dear One ………….. I hope and pray you know the same so deep in your soul you can’t escape it. ………all power and strength comes by the grace of GOD. It’s all yours and has been since day one.
I understand that no one will love me enough to love me forever except God and that in this life I have no value except the value He gives me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXV6HJxUebg
Chris Tomlin
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see
‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine But God,
Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine
I am free from the sting of death…….. Sin brings death…..physical for sure but also the death of life abundant the spiritual death.
Spiritual death is when the ravages of sin brings the death of right thinking, of dreams, of vision, of compassion, of right desires and actions.
I HAVE BEEN SET FREE BY TRUTH of who God is, what He has done, and who I am in HIM. >…. Not by what others think or this world defines.
Dear One ………….. I hope and pray you know the same so deep in your soul you can’t escape it. ………all power and strength comes by the grace of GOD. It’s all yours and has been since day one.
I understand that no one will love me enough to love me forever except God and that in this life I have no value except the value He gives me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXV6HJxUebg
Chris Tomlin
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see
‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine But God,
Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
God bless those who love and encourage folks. Great is your reward.
I love this song by Casting Crowns!
She is running
100 Miles an hour
In the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyons ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadverture just to find
she's another 2 years older and she's 3 more steps behind
Chorus:Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Lord does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
with all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in,to ride in and save the day
And then walks in her prince charming
and he knows just what to say
A momentary lapse of reason and she gives herself away
Chorus:Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Lord does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeplewith all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Who can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her
If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Who can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her
Never even met her
Chorus:Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Lord does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeplewith all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
She is running
100 Miles an hour
In the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyons ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadverture just to find
she's another 2 years older and she's 3 more steps behind
Chorus:Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Lord does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
with all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in,to ride in and save the day
And then walks in her prince charming
and he knows just what to say
A momentary lapse of reason and she gives herself away
Chorus:Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Lord does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeplewith all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Who can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her
If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Who can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her
Never even met her
Chorus:Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Lord does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeplewith all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
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