Trust, Relationships and Harm's Way

Trust is hard to define for me but is something that I know is vital in a relationship. When it is gone the relationship is over. Someone once said, "if only I were the person my dog thinks I am." I don't know all of the implications of trust or a lack thereof. I can only speak from a personal perspective. So I will plod along here for a few minutes if you will allow.

If you have read any of my previous post you have seen a couple of facts about me that might shed light on this post so I will repeat them here. Basically, I was grew up in a home with a very distant father, then I became a Christian and met and married a man who was on track to be a preacher, we met at Bible college and served the Lord in the music ministry at a fundamental Baptist church until he ran off with another woman. I know some would think, aaaack, don't say all of that online. Well, two things to consider, one what I might say could possibly help someone which would make it all work together for good, and secondly I find I need to share it somewhere.

So maybe I will give God a break and say it here :) . My marriage in 1982 was I thought a time in my life that was exciting and wonderful. I dearly loved my husband and what I thought was partnership and teamwork became burden and bondage to him. We never seemed to be on the same page. I thought if you love the Lord there would be fruit. He led the choir in our church and I taught in a Christian school. He never prayed, had a desire for souls, or read the Bible, slept in church and went through the motions.

There was always a tension there but I still thought the first 10 years we were just a normal couple and that because I didn't really know or understand the love of my father that I had to not put too much stock into the "something." Unfortunately, my coping mechanism was to see reality in a light that was more of a fantasy than what was really happening. I changed the truth into fantasy. I was clueless trying to love beyond all of it thinking love was enough.

In 1992, he had his first affair. I never saw it coming and was totally blown away emotionally. That is what happens when you believe in fantasies. When reality rears it's head you are in shock. I would say that day trust between us died. We stuck it out past 2 more affairs to finally divorce in 2001. I never could look at him again the same way. I couldn't get back in the game because he became to me someone who could throw me away and put me back to remembrance of my childhood pain.

I have loved since my first marriage but found that trust again has become an issue with me. I know now that I can not and will never exist in a relationship where there is no trust. Once broken I can not dream or imagine past the reality that trust is gone. No matter how much my heart might want to, my head now knows better. If someone betrays you no matter what their intention was there is no partnership, no team, no future, no hope, no value, no committment. That is how I believe it is and staying around is only to make yourself a victim. The truth builds a foundation that will stand the test and trials of life. Deception is not the work of God. So when people show you who they are you have to believe them to do otherwise is to put your emotional health in harm's way.

We can only trust our faithful God in this life if we want assurance of safety.