Ever want something so much that you ache for it? Ever cry then get to a point of realizing that you can't cry anymore? Ever give up on a dream? Ever asked yourself why am I doing this?
Yeah the list goes on blah blah blah ....... I have noticed that I am numbing to some of my dreams. I am not sure if that is a protective measure or if God is taking away the desires I have for a mate or for love. I just know that I seem to be apathetic about the whole issue. I don't go to bed thinking I might have a chance to be married again or there might be a better day ahead. I don't imagine how life could be or what might have been. I just recently turned 47 and it was bittersweet. There were no gifts or celebration of any kind and I was in urgent care for chest and arm pain only to have a cardio stress test and find out my heart is like that of a 30 year old. Go me.
But what I am uncertain about is what is going on with me. I just can't imagine some of the things I have been through happening to one person in one life. Some I have brought my way but the majority have been hard and have brought me to the point of thinking that maybe love isn't all it's cracked up to be. Not family love or the love of great friends. I don't seem to have any problem loving others. I am talking about relationships with the opposite sex.
I just have no desire to worry or fret over having that closeness again. It doesn't make sense to keep hoping, praying, and yearning for something especially if you are met with resistance or rejection. I don't know what has switched in me or if God has answered my prayer not to desire that so much. I have no doubt God will lead me and guide me. Either way maybe this will be a time in my life I can move forward in the Lord.
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