Ever want something so much that you ache for it? Ever cry then get to a point of realizing that you can't cry anymore? Ever give up on a dream? Ever asked yourself why am I doing this?
Yeah the list goes on blah blah blah ....... I have noticed that I am numbing to some of my dreams. I am not sure if that is a protective measure or if God is taking away the desires I have for a mate or for love. I just know that I seem to be apathetic about the whole issue. I don't go to bed thinking I might have a chance to be married again or there might be a better day ahead. I don't imagine how life could be or what might have been. I just recently turned 47 and it was bittersweet. There were no gifts or celebration of any kind and I was in urgent care for chest and arm pain only to have a cardio stress test and find out my heart is like that of a 30 year old. Go me.
But what I am uncertain about is what is going on with me. I just can't imagine some of the things I have been through happening to one person in one life. Some I have brought my way but the majority have been hard and have brought me to the point of thinking that maybe love isn't all it's cracked up to be. Not family love or the love of great friends. I don't seem to have any problem loving others. I am talking about relationships with the opposite sex.
I just have no desire to worry or fret over having that closeness again. It doesn't make sense to keep hoping, praying, and yearning for something especially if you are met with resistance or rejection. I don't know what has switched in me or if God has answered my prayer not to desire that so much. I have no doubt God will lead me and guide me. Either way maybe this will be a time in my life I can move forward in the Lord.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Learning to Walk
(still working on this one not complete)
I don't remember learning to walk or talk but I do remember watching my girls learn both. They would look at me and try to take that step. Sometimes I would reach out and hold their little hand that would grip mine as they would take assisted steps. I would let go but stay near to see if they could balance on their own. Wobble, wobble, wobble, then poof right down they would go. Each time we did the exercise the wobbles were less and the time standing would increase. In my absence when I wasn't there to offer assistance they would pull up to things but never let go to walk. It wasn't long before they took that first step. I remember clapping and hugging and praising. We both had so much joy. Sometimes they would look at me and move that foot almost as if they enjoyed me enjoying them. I miss those days. That celebration transfered to each milestone they achieved. It was a celebration of many first to come. First bike ride without training wheels, learning to skate, academics, sports and then the best of all a relationship with God. It all was so natural to nurture and love and water their garden as they bloomed. They have bloomed to be exceptional children with room to grow as we always have.
Can you imagine how their lives would have turned out if when they first pulled up to something I sat them down and scowled at them? What if I said to them, you forced your way here and I am resentful dealing with your presence. Can you imagine me assisting them then letting go and watching them fall only to say it was their own fault for trying? What if I tore up the first paper they brought home from school or analyzed it for not being what I thought it should be. Imagine that first "art project" ending up in the trash. What if their eyes longing for the natural parental relationship and love that should be there, were instead met with disapproval as if they could or had to do something to make me love and accept them? Can you imagine telling that child that the way they are makes you reject them? Even worse telling them that something needs to change to be accepted but you have to guess what that is. A child like that would feel so rejected and would eventually stop trying to gain love and acceptance. They will usually look for it elsewhere in order to get out of the house as fast as they can. They wouldn't know how win and would lose the desire to. They might see glimpses of hope but eventually the rejection would become so painful they would shut down in that direction.
It's hurtful to even write such imaginations because it hits too close to home. I have been that child in my lifetime in a few situations. I am that child right now.
Yesteday was my birthday. I spent it in silence at work digging in and getting things done. I then went home and prepared to go to the doctor for chest and arm pain. Sitting there alone was hard but necessary. I left there to go home concerned for what my medical condition might be only to further be torn to shreds to my very core. What I started out hearing in shock ended in pain. I can't describe it all but can say that when nothing changes nothing changes. I have to learn to walk all over again. I feel rejected, totally misunderstood, and shut down which was what I was trying to prevent. I can't describe how much this hurts, I can't even talk about it. My art work was my dreams and they are all smashed.
Where's God. Well that is the good news. God is right here being the first parent, watching me fall and helping me up. Seeing me cry and drying my tears. God is there celebrating whatever I salvage from this. I can look up in any direction and God is there. I need to let him heal this because this time it's bigger than my ability.
I have become like that child that wants to give up. I have tried to restrain myself from that but can't. I can't and don't desire to continue in the vein I have been traveling. I just want to go home at this point.
I don't remember learning to walk or talk but I do remember watching my girls learn both. They would look at me and try to take that step. Sometimes I would reach out and hold their little hand that would grip mine as they would take assisted steps. I would let go but stay near to see if they could balance on their own. Wobble, wobble, wobble, then poof right down they would go. Each time we did the exercise the wobbles were less and the time standing would increase. In my absence when I wasn't there to offer assistance they would pull up to things but never let go to walk. It wasn't long before they took that first step. I remember clapping and hugging and praising. We both had so much joy. Sometimes they would look at me and move that foot almost as if they enjoyed me enjoying them. I miss those days. That celebration transfered to each milestone they achieved. It was a celebration of many first to come. First bike ride without training wheels, learning to skate, academics, sports and then the best of all a relationship with God. It all was so natural to nurture and love and water their garden as they bloomed. They have bloomed to be exceptional children with room to grow as we always have.
Can you imagine how their lives would have turned out if when they first pulled up to something I sat them down and scowled at them? What if I said to them, you forced your way here and I am resentful dealing with your presence. Can you imagine me assisting them then letting go and watching them fall only to say it was their own fault for trying? What if I tore up the first paper they brought home from school or analyzed it for not being what I thought it should be. Imagine that first "art project" ending up in the trash. What if their eyes longing for the natural parental relationship and love that should be there, were instead met with disapproval as if they could or had to do something to make me love and accept them? Can you imagine telling that child that the way they are makes you reject them? Even worse telling them that something needs to change to be accepted but you have to guess what that is. A child like that would feel so rejected and would eventually stop trying to gain love and acceptance. They will usually look for it elsewhere in order to get out of the house as fast as they can. They wouldn't know how win and would lose the desire to. They might see glimpses of hope but eventually the rejection would become so painful they would shut down in that direction.
It's hurtful to even write such imaginations because it hits too close to home. I have been that child in my lifetime in a few situations. I am that child right now.
Yesteday was my birthday. I spent it in silence at work digging in and getting things done. I then went home and prepared to go to the doctor for chest and arm pain. Sitting there alone was hard but necessary. I left there to go home concerned for what my medical condition might be only to further be torn to shreds to my very core. What I started out hearing in shock ended in pain. I can't describe it all but can say that when nothing changes nothing changes. I have to learn to walk all over again. I feel rejected, totally misunderstood, and shut down which was what I was trying to prevent. I can't describe how much this hurts, I can't even talk about it. My art work was my dreams and they are all smashed.
Where's God. Well that is the good news. God is right here being the first parent, watching me fall and helping me up. Seeing me cry and drying my tears. God is there celebrating whatever I salvage from this. I can look up in any direction and God is there. I need to let him heal this because this time it's bigger than my ability.
I have become like that child that wants to give up. I have tried to restrain myself from that but can't. I can't and don't desire to continue in the vein I have been traveling. I just want to go home at this point.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Ever feel like your journey is this way?
Ever feel like you start something and keep running into brick walls only to find when you turn the corner another brick wall appears again? I have the coffee mug and tee shirt for this one. I can't do this anymore. I just can't. My heart is tired for sure and to wind up at the same starting place is insanity. What do you do?
Well first look up to your Father who is there regardless of the walls. I can't see through the walls but I can look up to God who not only can see through them but who knows what they mean. Secondly, maybe the journey continues to the same place because you are not learning what you need to learn. Yikes, I so hate that but it might just be true. Third, maybe you shouldn't have started that particular journey. Fourth and optimistically, maybe you should begin a new journey that is more open to who you are and what you are all about and open to who God is in your life. I actually have never seen a dog bark up the wrong tree but I have seen plenty of folks do it.
If your journey is only met with brick walls then something has to change. What will it be. New job, new location, new set of friends, renewing your mind in Christ, seeking God first. There are so many opportunities awaiting you. The one thing that you can't do is sit still and batter and bruise yourself against those walls. God bless.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
God's Total Acceptance
I thought long and hard before writing this but sometimes you have to give a voice to your heart. I see the Psalms almost as David's blog. Thank God he was transparent in his pain and success so that we can see that Christians don't have to be perfect but are perfectly forgiven. I have a lot to learn and some growing and healing still to do. The stabilizing force in my life is the love of God. I know beyond any moment or inconvenience or pain I experience that God is there. I am never alone. I may feel alone but feelings are not reality sometimes. What I have to trust is what God has said. I was told all my life not to be selfish to think of others and in doing that I let me out of the mix. Now I am learning and growing and reflecting and I see so much that I could have grown in that I didn't because I was serving others. No regrets but it's time to take care of myself better emotionally, physically, and most important spiritually. I love life and am trying to find my place in a new world that I don't understand yet. Spending 17 years in education in a protected Christian environment did not prepare me for what I am experiencing now. I will be 47 and still am learning some things folks learn in their 20's.
Any man who wants to be in my life is going to have to love me or lose me. I just don't have time to analyze, self reflect, remake, or cajole or plea. Who wants relationship where you are guessing or wondering. Who would want a relationship where there is someone on the other end waiting for life to come together to live. Either I am valued or I am not. I can't apologize for being me, for feeling, for caring or for loving. I trust God when I am wrong or out of line to show me and hope to continue to grow. I appreciate the folks he uses in my life to show me also.
Thank God for total acceptance .........
Any man who wants to be in my life is going to have to love me or lose me. I just don't have time to analyze, self reflect, remake, or cajole or plea. Who wants relationship where you are guessing or wondering. Who would want a relationship where there is someone on the other end waiting for life to come together to live. Either I am valued or I am not. I can't apologize for being me, for feeling, for caring or for loving. I trust God when I am wrong or out of line to show me and hope to continue to grow. I appreciate the folks he uses in my life to show me also.
Thank God for total acceptance .........
Monday, February 4, 2008
Awakened Dreamer
I have no value in this life which I finally understand. No one loves me enough to love me forever except God. I resign to that fact and cease my quest for love. I have awakened from one bad dream to the next to find out that no matter how much you hope, pray, love, care, and give, folks who don't want you just simply don't and you can't change that. It's as transcendental as the love of God who won't force someone to love him back. I should have known better but I dreamed past my head and heart. Now they have caught up and I am a million miles from where I need to be at this time in my life. It will be a long journey back to me, the person I used to know. Praise the Lord, He will walk with me I will not be afraid. Dear Father, your child needs her shepherd to find the fold again and be safe. Trying to explain what God means to me and why I see His Love as an exchange which is exhibited by my submission and service. If you just hear the words to this song and let them sink in… especially the part that says……. MY CHAINS ARE GONE…. You would understand what my heart knows.
I am free from the sting of death…….. Sin brings death…..physical for sure but also the death of life abundant the spiritual death.
Spiritual death is when the ravages of sin brings the death of right thinking, of dreams, of vision, of compassion, of right desires and actions.
I HAVE BEEN SET FREE BY TRUTH of who God is, what He has done, and who I am in HIM. >…. Not by what others think or this world defines.
Dear One ………….. I hope and pray you know the same so deep in your soul you can’t escape it. ………all power and strength comes by the grace of GOD. It’s all yours and has been since day one.
I understand that no one will love me enough to love me forever except God and that in this life I have no value except the value He gives me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXV6HJxUebg
Chris Tomlin
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see
‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine But God,
Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine
I am free from the sting of death…….. Sin brings death…..physical for sure but also the death of life abundant the spiritual death.
Spiritual death is when the ravages of sin brings the death of right thinking, of dreams, of vision, of compassion, of right desires and actions.
I HAVE BEEN SET FREE BY TRUTH of who God is, what He has done, and who I am in HIM. >…. Not by what others think or this world defines.
Dear One ………….. I hope and pray you know the same so deep in your soul you can’t escape it. ………all power and strength comes by the grace of GOD. It’s all yours and has been since day one.
I understand that no one will love me enough to love me forever except God and that in this life I have no value except the value He gives me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXV6HJxUebg
Chris Tomlin
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see
‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine But God,
Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine
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