Water My Garden before I fade away.

Sometimes I think I am a foreigner and then I am reminded by the Bible that I am not of this world. I have by my own fault isolated myself from most of the folks I know, moved to a new town, and basically as a southerner would say "whoopped" ( That is in my dictionary lol don't bother looking it up)

I have never dealt well with rejection but have made great progress in unpacking the past and dealing with the hurtful times I have been rejected. A message by Charles Stanley did arrange the concept a little better for me but the pain is still there to some degree because it surfaces once in a while. I don't guess that it would be an overnight event to have it poof away. I have matured past waiting for magic days when the world gets all nice again. I know there is a better city in a far country whose builder and maker is GOD. I am counting on that being the place my smile will never end.

My little head sometimes ponders things that to me just don't add up. It never adds up to be unkind to someone. I do understand the power of words and actions.

This much I do know, I know my own limit. I am growing in the Lord, slowly but still growing, I am also a person who does try hard to be right with those I come in contact with.

I see myself as a garden of beautiful flowers. Some have glowing blooms that are steady and sure as each season passes. Their roots are deep and tap into a well-spring of life. These would be my undying love for the Lord, my joy in raising my girls and loving them, my calling as a Science teacher and loving my students, and my passion to work hard.

There are other flowers in my garden that are tender and although they have deep roots, they depend on water to sustain the best parts of me. These would be my need to be loved, hugged, and treated kindly. I need to belong in the lives of those who are closest to me. I seem to fade and become invisible for reasons I still have yet to learn.

I will just say it out loud. I just can't stay planted where there is so much negativity directed toward me. The tender flowers of my personality just wilt and become unattractive to myself and to those I want to love and care for. I never am at my best when I have to climb a mountain of defeating actions and comments just for a crumb or two of kindness. My question is, who would be?

I hate and desperately despise it when people say things to me before considering how it sounds. Words carry weight and hurt. I have tried to be kind in return but as of late when I hear so much correction coming my way I think to myself, someone needs to find a perfect friend who can accomplish the long list of things I fail to do in a prescribed pre-ordained manner.

I am an intelligent, articulate, kind, caring, saved, sassy, simply funny ( corny) yet cute southern gal. I am the daughter of the living GOD who loves me so much He gave His Son's life to make a way for me to be with Him forever. I can not be less than a joint heir with my adopted family in Heaven. Humbly yet with all confidence in who God is and what he promised I say all that.

There is no reason to re-invent the wheel here. If a person wants to be my friend, accept me for who I am. Respect my boundaries. I am not perfect and at my age I don't have to explain or make excuses for that. By faith I have overcome some very hard things in life that appeared at my own hands and the hands of others. Whatever I can learn I eagerly anticipate learning with joy, what I can't learn, eh. I know more than I will ever remember already lol. I simply am the best I can be at any given season, always striving and growing to be as much as I can in the future.

This is my notice to the universe and this is my declaration incase the world missed the memo.

What you say and how you treat me does affect me period. My sticks and stones clause ran out years ago. If you want beautiful blooms, water my garden. If you want weeds, beat down on me with the harsh wind and sun and more than likely the things you loved about me in the first place will turn to weeds. It's not rocket science. It's ministering grace as the Bible says.

I won't let expressions stop me and if it becomes a choice between being myself or being a fabricated insecure person waiting on someone to accept me. I choose to say thank you but no thanks. Heaven is my home and I am eternally secure in God's love for me. I can make it on my own but I would love to grow in grace with those I love.

How does a Christian have a bad day?

There are some days that are just not what you want them to be. As a matter of fact to be honest, some days are plain rotten. Today was one of those days. I woke up with a fever and was trying to figure where it came from, a bad tooth, earache, bronchitis? All of them could have been a viable possibility. To top it off my tendonitis had flaired up and was giving me a hard time. I wrestled with going to the doctor and missing work or just sticking it out. These are the choices you have to make when your livelihood is totally dependent on you working. My job has been tenuous, being in a new city, learning the ropes of something I have a hard time grasping.

Seventeen years of teaching in a Christian school setting didn't prepare me for the secular business world. I am ill equipped but catching up. I decided at lunch to possibly go home. That's when a kinda eh day started to sink. I found out I needed to stay at work and so I decided to get some things done and kept at it. My fever broke at about 3:30 and I figured I had avoided a visit to the doctor which meant less money I had to pay out. That didn't disappoint me but I still had to finish my day.

I have never been able to be heard in a particular situation and it presented again today. Somehow I have an ability to articulate the things I want to say but still be dismissed. I try to figure out if it's a lack of respect or if I am portraying a run over me essence. Either way it made the end of my day emtionally draining. I seem to try to explain my position but without fail wind up being told I am manipulative or wrong. Sometimes I am wrong, I don't have too much pride to admit that but manipulative is so far removed from my head. It actually hurts me to be accused of being manipulative because that would indicate that I want to cause harm and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I don't want to do that. Maybe my definition of that word is the problem. To me, manipulative is when you trick or cajole someone either honestly or dishonestly into doing something for your own advantage or gain without considering how it affects them. I was manipulated by guilt placed on me all my life and it took a lot of work to heal from that. So it would be far from my mind to do that to anyone. I guess I am venting my frustration but it seems so aggravating to me to say something and be dismissed or judged for it or to not say something and be scolded for silence. How do you accomplish anything when both streets are dead ends.

I know something new clicked with me today. The first thought I had, and I know this is the first time I have ever thought this, that I am a victim. But the further thought was almost an ephiphany moment. I don't have to be. Before when I became a victim I thought I was being tolerant or meek and I stayed in the role and just took it as it came.

Today, I looked around me and said, I did nothing wrong. Yes, I was emotional after I saw I didn't matter, but I expressed myself, was told I was wrong and manipulative and I know I was just expressing a need the same as a person would say I am thirsty. I came to the conclusion. If you are a victim it's because you allow it.

People on a day in and day out basis without words do treat you the way they want to. I used to think love would win the day but now I know it doesn't. Some people don't care if you love them or care about your contribution to their life. They make that clear when the me's and I's come out.

Well this "me" has come to the conclusion that "I" will no longer be dismissed. There is a limit. I have reached mine. From this day forward, rotten days are behind me if they are the product of someone else's issues. :)

I know God loves me and I will be sure to remember what is true, lovely, and of a good report.

God bless Thanks for hearing.

The Reckoning

(note this was written for a loved one)

The depths of my soul were in despair
I framed excuses for my life everywhere
It`s not very hard if you`ll look you`ll see
My life is just not what GOD meant it to be

Wandering and drifting at every turn
Never making a change from lessons learned
Putting off the things that I should do
With the false idea that God will see me thru

Sure He can, if I do my part
But it`s so overwhelming, how do I start
I`ve been on the mountain and seen Him work
Why am I whining and being a jerk

Cause it1s easier to give up from deep within
Than to let Him work and overcome my sin
It`s easy to give in to my weak weary ways
Than to start redeeming the rest of my days

Just keep telling myself there`s too much to overcome
Look around and the chaos and get nothing done
Will this tortured and battered lifestyle ever end
Yes! The day I stop breathing as a slave to sin

How horrible the sound, there must be a better finish
Than to watch my dreams, soul, and spirit diminish
Sure there is, but I have to cry out loud
This is not for someone who is lofty and too proud

I must allow GOD to do what only HE can
And stop letting my life drift like grains of sand
Surrender and stop doing what I thinks is best
I will follow after GOD and truly be blessed

There is never a peace apart from His will
Either I make the change or keep doing the drill!