Well, here I am again with much to say and words that fail. I am going to move back home to SC end of January and I know I have to do so as a successful failure. I have learned many lessons about God and about my relationship with God. That education made this journey out here in the great Northen Annex to Mexico we fondly call Texas successful for me.
I have learned my limits and that the world will make excuses for everything including failure. I only blame myself for my failure and my move 1027 miles from home. Failure isn't a death sentence. Who in this world can do everything?
My choice to go home is not met with excitement. It is gut wrenching and hurtful. I may be the only person to fully feel the weight of it but it is real pain none the less. The choices I have had since my divorce have not been many that are palatable. How do you decide which of two bad choices is the best choice. Dear Father, please open a door. The prospect of being jobless, starting over for the 7th time in 5 years does not thrill me. I am actually emotionally tired of that nonsense. It's time to throw in the towel. and I know it. I need to go home, heal, and settle into the inevitable. There is nothing I relish about SC but being so far away from my family, growing old, and dying alone in Texas is not what I want for my life.
I have fought this day with all my heart. I wanted to be successful here, grow old and enjoy life but that was denied me by forces bigger than myself. It never fit and settled into something you could be secure with.
So many times I am a dreamer, happy ever after person. Now this isn't meant to discourage but you have to realize that you can't do all things. I have to be true to who I am. I have to understand that God said that He will give me the desires of my heart. That isn't a blank check to get what I want out of life but I know that God does want the best for me.
That thought will keep me sane during this time of hurt, anger, transition and finally routine again. At 46, you would think I would have matured enough but dreamers don't ever let go until the dream dies.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Water My Garden before I fade away.
Sometimes I think I am a foreigner and then I am reminded by the Bible that I am not of this world. I have by my own fault isolated myself from most of the folks I know, moved to a new town, and basically as a southerner would say "whoopped" ( That is in my dictionary lol don't bother looking it up)
I have never dealt well with rejection but have made great progress in unpacking the past and dealing with the hurtful times I have been rejected. A message by Charles Stanley did arrange the concept a little better for me but the pain is still there to some degree because it surfaces once in a while. I don't guess that it would be an overnight event to have it poof away. I have matured past waiting for magic days when the world gets all nice again. I know there is a better city in a far country whose builder and maker is GOD. I am counting on that being the place my smile will never end.
My little head sometimes ponders things that to me just don't add up. It never adds up to be unkind to someone. I do understand the power of words and actions.
This much I do know, I know my own limit. I am growing in the Lord, slowly but still growing, I am also a person who does try hard to be right with those I come in contact with.
I see myself as a garden of beautiful flowers. Some have glowing blooms that are steady and sure as each season passes. Their roots are deep and tap into a well-spring of life. These would be my undying love for the Lord, my joy in raising my girls and loving them, my calling as a Science teacher and loving my students, and my passion to work hard.
There are other flowers in my garden that are tender and although they have deep roots, they depend on water to sustain the best parts of me. These would be my need to be loved, hugged, and treated kindly. I need to belong in the lives of those who are closest to me. I seem to fade and become invisible for reasons I still have yet to learn.
I will just say it out loud. I just can't stay planted where there is so much negativity directed toward me. The tender flowers of my personality just wilt and become unattractive to myself and to those I want to love and care for. I never am at my best when I have to climb a mountain of defeating actions and comments just for a crumb or two of kindness. My question is, who would be?
I hate and desperately despise it when people say things to me before considering how it sounds. Words carry weight and hurt. I have tried to be kind in return but as of late when I hear so much correction coming my way I think to myself, someone needs to find a perfect friend who can accomplish the long list of things I fail to do in a prescribed pre-ordained manner.
I am an intelligent, articulate, kind, caring, saved, sassy, simply funny ( corny) yet cute southern gal. I am the daughter of the living GOD who loves me so much He gave His Son's life to make a way for me to be with Him forever. I can not be less than a joint heir with my adopted family in Heaven. Humbly yet with all confidence in who God is and what he promised I say all that.
There is no reason to re-invent the wheel here. If a person wants to be my friend, accept me for who I am. Respect my boundaries. I am not perfect and at my age I don't have to explain or make excuses for that. By faith I have overcome some very hard things in life that appeared at my own hands and the hands of others. Whatever I can learn I eagerly anticipate learning with joy, what I can't learn, eh. I know more than I will ever remember already lol. I simply am the best I can be at any given season, always striving and growing to be as much as I can in the future.
This is my notice to the universe and this is my declaration incase the world missed the memo.
What you say and how you treat me does affect me period. My sticks and stones clause ran out years ago. If you want beautiful blooms, water my garden. If you want weeds, beat down on me with the harsh wind and sun and more than likely the things you loved about me in the first place will turn to weeds. It's not rocket science. It's ministering grace as the Bible says.
I won't let expressions stop me and if it becomes a choice between being myself or being a fabricated insecure person waiting on someone to accept me. I choose to say thank you but no thanks. Heaven is my home and I am eternally secure in God's love for me. I can make it on my own but I would love to grow in grace with those I love.
I have never dealt well with rejection but have made great progress in unpacking the past and dealing with the hurtful times I have been rejected. A message by Charles Stanley did arrange the concept a little better for me but the pain is still there to some degree because it surfaces once in a while. I don't guess that it would be an overnight event to have it poof away. I have matured past waiting for magic days when the world gets all nice again. I know there is a better city in a far country whose builder and maker is GOD. I am counting on that being the place my smile will never end.
My little head sometimes ponders things that to me just don't add up. It never adds up to be unkind to someone. I do understand the power of words and actions.
This much I do know, I know my own limit. I am growing in the Lord, slowly but still growing, I am also a person who does try hard to be right with those I come in contact with.
I see myself as a garden of beautiful flowers. Some have glowing blooms that are steady and sure as each season passes. Their roots are deep and tap into a well-spring of life. These would be my undying love for the Lord, my joy in raising my girls and loving them, my calling as a Science teacher and loving my students, and my passion to work hard.
There are other flowers in my garden that are tender and although they have deep roots, they depend on water to sustain the best parts of me. These would be my need to be loved, hugged, and treated kindly. I need to belong in the lives of those who are closest to me. I seem to fade and become invisible for reasons I still have yet to learn.
I will just say it out loud. I just can't stay planted where there is so much negativity directed toward me. The tender flowers of my personality just wilt and become unattractive to myself and to those I want to love and care for. I never am at my best when I have to climb a mountain of defeating actions and comments just for a crumb or two of kindness. My question is, who would be?
I hate and desperately despise it when people say things to me before considering how it sounds. Words carry weight and hurt. I have tried to be kind in return but as of late when I hear so much correction coming my way I think to myself, someone needs to find a perfect friend who can accomplish the long list of things I fail to do in a prescribed pre-ordained manner.
I am an intelligent, articulate, kind, caring, saved, sassy, simply funny ( corny) yet cute southern gal. I am the daughter of the living GOD who loves me so much He gave His Son's life to make a way for me to be with Him forever. I can not be less than a joint heir with my adopted family in Heaven. Humbly yet with all confidence in who God is and what he promised I say all that.
There is no reason to re-invent the wheel here. If a person wants to be my friend, accept me for who I am. Respect my boundaries. I am not perfect and at my age I don't have to explain or make excuses for that. By faith I have overcome some very hard things in life that appeared at my own hands and the hands of others. Whatever I can learn I eagerly anticipate learning with joy, what I can't learn, eh. I know more than I will ever remember already lol. I simply am the best I can be at any given season, always striving and growing to be as much as I can in the future.
This is my notice to the universe and this is my declaration incase the world missed the memo.
What you say and how you treat me does affect me period. My sticks and stones clause ran out years ago. If you want beautiful blooms, water my garden. If you want weeds, beat down on me with the harsh wind and sun and more than likely the things you loved about me in the first place will turn to weeds. It's not rocket science. It's ministering grace as the Bible says.
I won't let expressions stop me and if it becomes a choice between being myself or being a fabricated insecure person waiting on someone to accept me. I choose to say thank you but no thanks. Heaven is my home and I am eternally secure in God's love for me. I can make it on my own but I would love to grow in grace with those I love.
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