My life has transformed, I can't go back to imitation life.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind for me. Life has changed completely from what I thought it was to something more than I can imagine. When you cliff dive there are always risks.  I would rather be exactly where I am right now learning and feeling than in a box that has been shelved thinking I am living just because I do a lot of stuff. I’ve written a lot of words here over the last few years. As a matter of fact I have written and said far too many words most of my life. Those were said to get or protect imitation love.

Enjoy this song dear ones…. God knew what he was getting into when he decided to love me. All of us are broken and we break our children.

Real love flows freely. We don’t have to get or protect it. When we trade for love we are prostituting ourselves to not feel empty and afraid.  Even as this was unfolding for me last week I slipped back to try to protect love. I felt empty and afraid like a drowning woman. The real love in me stopped because fear always blocks love.  I came to my senses but with consequences. That’s the thing if we try to earn love in any way we always do it at a price for someone else they may not be able to pay. Don’t put people thru that you aren’t loving them when you do.

I know in the next few months my life is going continue to be more different than I imagined. I am excited about that prospect. I have entered something that there is no return from.  I was made for this and hope to share as I journey.  Go into this story with me sweet readers.  I love you! 

Imagine this process.  Most of my life I was like  a caterpillar. I just spent my time roaming branches to survive and trying to avoid the other animals that would eat me. Each day was a mission to make it one more day.  I call that gutting it out. The kind of living we do to form a life that is empty. We forge our way on the floor of the stock market of imitation love that leaves us empty and afraid. We buy and trade for approval and value.  I did this in my marriage.  I had no clue what real love was and neither did my ex. So when it stopped working we both were left wounded. We had imitation love that we learned from parents who were imitators as well.  I was the worst offender because I hid behind the Bible to try to make things work.  I mean I did have GOD on my side. That’s a lie! God wanted me to love my spouse like he was. I didn’t. OUCH! No wonder at some point he wished I was dead. I would have wished that too if I were him.  When we ran out of things to trade our marriage died and we were over.

A few weeks ago I learned as a caterpillar that I can’t survive like that any more. I learned what real love is. It is unconditional. Loving is more natural than trying to love. There’s no try in it. It is more than an action even. It’s spiritual flowing from the Father through you. You can’t muster it up. It is changing my life faster than I can breathe.  So this little caterpillar is now living in a cocoon for a bit of transformation. The caterpillar parts of me are dead and I love that their death even feels natural!!! This is easier not harder. I feel like the 2nd chrysalis right beside the green cocoon in the picture. My life is forming but I am not ready to break free yet. I need the cocoon right now to process in. It takes strength for the butterfly to get ready to break the cocoon and soar.  I don’t have all of that strength yet. As a matter of fact if the butterfly doesn’t do the exercise of breaking free it will not have strong enough wings to soar. It will fall to the ground and never live again.  That is not an option here.  This next step of my life is by faith.

Greg Baer  wrote —“”Until you spread your wings, you can’t know how high you’ll soar.” (Ray Bradbury) Without faith, you’ll never really know yourself.”

Dear friends find out what real love is! Your life will change forever. When you read the verses below they will be living to you as they are to me now that I am awakened. I love the last phrase about knowledge. My head knowledge isn’t worth spit! If you could see my heart now you would feel my love for you!

I John 4:18. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.

I Corinthians 13:4-8

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

What does an 8 year old know? The harm of imitation love.

After reading the book Real Love Post Childhood Stress Disorder by Dr. Greg Baer and learning the Real Love principles I decided to share a very private part of my life. Sometimes my PCSD comes out in the form of trying to figure out what people think of me. That behavior is disappearing as I am learning to be loved,  but I thought I might share what I remember before it’s gone. It seems love is reshaping my perspective of the past and healing the pain of it all. My parents were intelligent successful people and they engrained in me that being overweight was disease. They were well intentioned but they were killing my spirit.  I was overweight from the age of 8. -I will never forget the day I walked into the doctor’s office, he was my Mom’s cousin. I had on a little dress that was plaid with a white color. I remember always going to the doctor at a different place. I will never forget how humiliating it was to have the doctor gather up my dress and have me hold it in my arms. I was in the very center of the room.I was taught all my life to keep your legs together and your dress over your knees. I was horrified. I looked for the windows but they were high up about 5 feet off the wall. I felt helpless to get out. Mom was standing there as the doctor divulged how I already had cellulite at 8 and how being overweight would ruin my life. He talked about diseases and death at 55. I couldn’t compute all of that and I just remember thinking. My parents to not like how I look. Something is wrong with me and my parents are trying to change it. I was scared to cry or act out because Dad spanked us if we cried or whined. Little did I know that this would be the beginning of years of humiliation about my weight. Mom was given a diet that she put me on that lasted all of about 2 weeks before she gave up. I knew I was supposed to eat a certain way to lose weight and I couldn’t figure out if my parents liked me again or if they didn’t care about my dying at age 55. I felt helpless. I heard so many conversations about my weight from family members that I felt like I’d never belong in this group of people.

Age 10- I was taken to a “specialist” about 70 miles away. It was a rickety old house with peeling paint. The waiting room was full of all sizes of people. I remember thinking this it weird. Some of these folks are so skinny their bones are sticking out. There were no test. I was weighed 130 pounds and measured and given some injections and a prescription. I asked what the injection was and was told that it was just vitamins. The medicine I was put on made me race like the wind. It kept me jittery and awake for long into the night. I went to a “drug” seminar at school and there were the pills I had been taking for 2 years. They were on the board and labeled speed amphetamines. The diet that the doctor prescribed lasted about 3 weeks and mom gave up cooking special for me and for the family. But continued to keep me on the drug. That doctor was a member of my family and was later arrested for dispensing drugs and his license was revoked.

Age 13. After surviving elementary school with all the jokes about being overweight and humiliation of family hiding food and talking openly about how much I eat and how big I was. My parents took me to yet another doctor. This one was a bariatric specialist who did tons of test on me. He discovered after I had a 9 hour glucose test that I had “hypoglycemia” I exhibited no symptoms and he put me on a diet much like Atkins. This lasted about 3 weeks and once again Mom didn’t help with the meals. I had sat in a room of a dozen adults discussing my weight. I was the only child there and the doctor diagnosed me with all of the adults and my mom followed his orders a whole 3 weeks.

Age 18. I learned how devastating being anorexic and bulimic were. It was the natural solution to me. I had tried everything else. From Jan to May I lost 100 pounds, my hair and my period. I learned to eat anything I wanted and throw it up. It was heaven to finally be acceptable to my parents and family and friends. Years I had spent overachieving and getting good grades and succeeding now were crowned with a body that matched my ability or so I thought. For the first time boys were asking me out in college. In my heart I knew they only did because my body had changed. They hadn’t asked me out before then. They didn’t know my heart or dreams about life. They didn’t care because I had the measurements that made them look twice when they never looked once before.

Nature had a way of playing the dirtiest trick on me possible. As soon as my body started shutting down from starvation I had to began eating to survive. I was 21 years old and had the waist of a 5 year old. I gained all the weight back and more. I married as a skinny girl, but I was huge by the end of the 2nd year. Of all things I married to a man who was addicted to porn and felt like a failure. I would never have the body those women had. On my own I tried Weight Watchers and first place and Tops. Nothing worked or worked for long. I did phentramine and exercise and only lost a minimal amount of weight. Then I found out I could have a gastric bypass. It was a miracle answer. My surgery went every well, I felt ripped apart  and wondered what I had done to my body. Yet recovery was great. I followed orders to T even during an unplanned pregnancy. I lost 100 pounds and was on cloud nine. The weight stayed off a few years until the ulcer left at my surgical site became too painful to ignore. The doctor said a reversal was the only way to fix the ulcer and I gained every pound back.

I have tried every conceivable weight loss program over the years and except for starvation I have never been able to lose more than a few pounds. There were times I was sure I kept the weight on to prove I was lovable at any size. Other times I just emotionally ate to feel something better than rejection.

Then……. Real Love kicked in… I learned someone could love me and hold me at my heaviest. I learned my Daddy, could adopt me and hold me much the same way he would hold his own daughter. I learned other people could love me in spite of my whining and kicking and thrashing around as I learned to love others and myself. Boy I was a messy victim and brat coming into Real Love. I found out I could love men, women and adopt little lambs to love. I learned that I am not a mistake and that God has plans for my life bigger than my imagination Eph 3:20. I knew I didn’t have to work for God’s love and also knew if that same love flowed through others, I wouldn’t have to work for their love either. I learned that I can love someone who can’t love or see me. Unconditional love is the glue of the universe and flows from us to others.

What’s cool is now I am taking care of my body. I am losing weight almost effortlessly as I love the body God allowed me to be born in. My life is a miracle. My growth is a process and not complete yet. There’s much to learn and failure is a powerful teacher…. but I can say …… distance your fears from your faith and let faith rule…trust the love you have NOW and live in the moments where you feel that love… . you will be invincible. I Corinthians 13:13 For there are these three things that endure: Faith, Hope and Love, but the greatest of these is Love.

Love has changed me forever. I am a miracle in process. If you want to learn more about the love that is transforming my life send me an email. I will answer.

Cross Bearing, ME?

What does take up HIS cross mean?

His is a personal pronoun, might the cross be different for different believers? If this is the case then we better be sure to not envy those who have crosses that we think are lighter than ours. Sometimes the body of Christ gets out of focus. I can look at someone’s lighter cross several ways. I may be stronger than them and can take more, or more likely I have a misconception about what they are really going through. Pride and arrogance can sometimes take the cross out of focus. It may be that I am looking at it through my pain. Regardless I have MY cross to bear and it’s my job to bear it resulting in intimacy with Christ that is mine individually.


Will people who generally reject us take our lives? Not likely, we just feel dejected. They have only the power we give them. Our flesh will make us react to them in ways that are not at all in keeping with what Christ desires for us. We have to forget selfish attitudes where rejection is concerned. No one person will ever be able to meet all our needs or validate us enough to satisfy the flesh.

Is there any help? Yes, your identity in Christ to the rescue. Who you are when Christ is your life.

Colossians 3:1-16
1If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. 2Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. 3For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory. 5Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry: 6For which things’ sake the wrath of God cometh on the children of disobedience: 7In the which ye also walked some time, when ye lived in them. 8But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. 9Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; 10And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him:11Where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, bond nor free: but Christ is all, and in all. 12Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; 13Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. 14And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. 15And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful. 16Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.
VS 2 Keep your heart on kingdom things. This may seem like the kind of advice that we have a pat rebuttal of (but you don’t know my circumstances.) Actually. there is no latitude here. It is a take or leave proposition. Take it and you will have a daily walk that Christ intended for you. Leave it and you will always live in fear, doubt, insecurity, and worst of all in an insatiable flesh that will rob you of your peace and joy. Because you are part of the new life that Christ rose from the dead to give you where should your focus be?

VS 1 The word “if” can also be replaced with the word “because.”

Vs 7 Who are qualified to take this path in life?



*****Thought: Is it a rejection of Christ to think otherwise? *******

Vs 4 How do we want to appear with Christ when he comes back for us?
VS 5 Daily put on the new man
Mortify means to put to death. Things listed here are fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Matthew Henry’s commentary summarizes this section in a way that is very enlightening and far more applicable than I could.

Partial quote from Matthew Henry

“an inordinate love of present good and outward enjoyments, which proceeds from too high a value in the mind, puts upon too eager a pursuit, hinders the proper use and enjoyment of them, and creates anxious fear and immoderate sorrow for the loss of them. Observe, Covetousness is spiritual idolatry: it is the giving of that love and regard to worldly wealth which are due to God only, and carries a greater degree of malignity in it, and is more highly provoking to God, than is commonly thought. And it is very observable that among all the instances of sin which good men are recorded in the scripture to have fallen into (and there is scarcely any but some or other, in one or other part of their life, have fallen into) there is no instance in all the scripture of any good man charged with covetousness.”

We over value many things in life especially the relationships we have with loved ones. They are important but the power they gain in our lives is not in keeping with having Jesus first. That causes distraction from Him. The rest of the chapter in Colossians gives practical helps to daily putting on the new man. I challenge you to list them.

List the things we are to get rid of in our lives. Do any look familiar? Remember that “getting rid of” is killing off. Don’t resurrect the dead! Let this soak in and have fun with seeing yourself a whole new way-His LIFE.

Forgiveness, I thought I knew what it was.

I thought I knew what forgiveness was….until………
I had always been taught to forgive others as Christ as forgiven you. Easy enough? Boy, I was ever deceived! Forgiveness isn’t always easy or the outcome. I had never been so challenged as I was recently when I wrote a letter of repentance to someone that I had hurt and who had hurt me. We both really did in a very serious way hurt each other. I am not talking about light offenses. I did not really bring up their hurts against me and just asked them to forgive me for my sins against them. It was a lengthy letter trying to be honest and cover everything. I really wanted them to know how sorry I was.
Yes, when we violate or harm another person in a disrespectful way it is a sin against them and it is a sin against GOD. I had already talked to my Father in Heaven about it and come clean with my sin. Praise the LORD that He does forgive.
I wrote this letter asking forgiveness and I am not sure what I thought would happen but it must have been much different from what did happen. My prayer was that Christ in me would come through in my words to restore what I had so badly damaged. I just knew it was something I had to face and amend but I did expect a Godly response because they are a believer. I was surprised that not only had my letter been perceived in a way that the other person placed the blame on me but also that they took no responsibility for hurting me. They wished me well at the end of their response but respond to others regarding me in a way that is not truthful and even mockery. Ouch! Flesh, pride, self, all rear their ugly head when we are mocked. Avoid the trap of allowing another person’s disobedience to be a stumbling block to you. There will be more about that in a future article. The bottom line is once you have asked forgivenes and made whatever restoration you can, they are responsible to God about the matter now, and I do pray for them daily. My heart hurts for them. There must be something going on there that needs healing deeper than my saying I am sorry. God and your offender or the one you offend will need to work through it.
This event sparked my desire to know GOD’s heart for the matter. I was hurt by the response and subsequent mockery. After a bout with bitterness in my life which distracted me from the Lord in the past, I wanted to make sure I didn’t fall into that trap. I also wanted to be sure that I had handled asking forgiveness the right way. I felt a deep sense of responsibility to this person because I love them regardless of all that has happened. It was very uncomfortable to face my offenses and admit to them. The most important thing is the other person in forgiveness, but the result is you find freedom in seeing the truth of some matters and dealing with them.
That leaves us with one choice, to see what GOD says about the matter and examine our heart and die to whatever this brings up. Small order and huge task!! Oh, my flesh wants to cry for justice, but my heart knows God’s will is that we glorify Him and that what comes into our lives is to molds us into His image even if it is those who offend us. We can’t do that if we do not handle these issues the right way. Lord, help me to continue to learn this. Amen.
There is an inequality in human forgiveness. We might say we have forgiven people when we really don’t. We might ask for forgiveness just because it is the right thing to do and we are not really repentant. So what does the Bible say about forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a supernatural response to an injustice. It is not being a doormat and does not absolve the person of God’s justice. They are still accountable to God for their actions and reactions. It is a choice and act of the will, not a feeling. We offer forgiveness even if it is never received. It is unconditional and a mandate from God who is our perfect example of forgiveness. Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:32, James 4:17, Matthew 5:23-24
Col 3:13
bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you
Eph 4:32
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.


Matt 5:23-24
“Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you.

leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.
Forgiveness can’t be neglected in light of the Bible, but what do you do when you are so horribly offended?
James 4:17
Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin
Well it is clear God’s desire for us is to forgive. Your heart is broken, you are sometimes confused even not sure of why the person hurt you. Do you have a right to hold that against them? You have said you are sorry and they won’t forgive you . They misrepresent the facts and events. All of these get tangled in our relationships and we sometimes can’t untangle them all when another is not in agreement with us about the matter.
We can only look at the Bible and see that God’s heart for us is to be free, to worship Him in Spirit and Truth, and to not let bitterness settle into our lives as well as overcoming evil with good. Again, tall order.
Heb 12:15
See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled;

John 4:24

“God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.”

Rom 12:14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.
15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.
16 Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly Do not be wise in your own estimation.
17 Never pay back evil for evil to anyone Respect what is right in the sight of all men.
18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.
19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord.
20 BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD.”
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Forgiveness is as we said in the beginning, supernatural. Being a new creature in Christ, I knew it was outside of my ability to forgive. My flesh doesn’t naturally want to be forgiving. This is a hard task sometimes when you have been hurt. I am not talking to you from the vantage of always getting it right. In the past I have not handled myself wisely and even now confess, I am still learning and growing. I wanted to understand my responsibility to God and those I have hurt. Because Christ is in me, the grace needed to love and forgive and release another from any debt or repayment for their offense is also in me. I have to understand God has forgiven me, and that the other person regardless of their repentance or restoration of the matter, has to be forgiven. My Father wants me to forgive as He does.
If that person wants restoration then you can again fellowship. Do not expect anything in return for asking forgiveness. Being like Christ, being transformed, renewed, and restored will help you release another person’s offense for their sake as well as yours. You don’t have to carry condemnation of another’s offense. God hates all sin, and if they sinned against you, God hates that. Just as you have been forgiven though, He is willing and ready to forgive them. That should be our prayer, to reflect Christ, and love them unconditionally. Again, I can’t do that but Christ in me can. I have to say I may never understand my situation and may never be forgiven. I just have to trust the LORD in times such as these when I can’t explain.
Phil 2:1 Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion,
2 make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.
3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;
4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus,
6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped,
7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.
8 Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
9 For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name,
10 so that at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11 and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Scripture quotations taken from the NASB

Don't take the easy way out.

This is probably for me more than anyone but here goes. We are living in hard and even harsh times. Sometimes the only good thing we know is that God is in control regardless of how it seems or feels to us. For myself, being in Dallas has been a necessary wilderness. I can’t begin to verbalize how hard and lonely life is here sometimes. Being away from my girls, yet being alone with God alot is sharpening me. There are still days it’s just painful though. I know I am before a great change coming in my life and sense GOD leading me but I am still not clear what will open up. There are some wise things I have learned no matter what wilderness I am in. One of the things I feel led to say is to be careful.
Sometimes we say or do things under high levels of stress we would not do in normal circumstances. I know when stressed I have made some of the worst decisions of my life. If a loved one is stressing you, a marriage, a job situation, the challenge of being lonely, whatever is stressing you, just be still and know that He is God. We always feel as if we have to fix or do something and I am not proporting doing nothing at all, but I am saying, wisdom seems to be a slow steady traveler not a sprinter. Hasty, pain easing decisions often lead to consequences that cost more than the problem in and of itself.
We all want to ease our suffering, but allow it to work for your benefit instead of against you. Understand your GOD is a loving Father who even allowed His Son to learn obedience through His own suffering. The molding process is working on your behalf to make you more like His Son. I would that my words would convey this to you DO not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to GOD Phil 4:6. I remember turning in papers to my teacher and leaving them on her desk. Never once did I think to take a paper off her desk and do more to it or try to change it. It was hers once it hit her in box. What was done was done and the grade would be given. Our prayers are somewhat like that, with the exception that GOD sees them through the filter of Christ finished work which was complete.
Leave your prayers with GOD, rest, trust, have faith HE will measure out to you what is best for you. Thank Him even for the hard days that teach you to trust Him more. GOD bless you all! and I would appreciate prayers of any leading you might feel.

Revenge is not the answer.....EVER

Revenge just the word conjures thoughts in our minds that makes us immediately say no not me. Well let’s look at the thesaurus and see some of the synonyms for revenge: retribution, settling of scores, payback, retaliation, and vindication. Oh, we are more at home with revenge than we thought. We want equality in all things and feel unfairly treated or unjustly wronged when things are not made equal. How many times have we longed for that magic day when the tables are turned and justice is served? Longing for revenge keeps us in the flesh. It requires that we continue to look at ourselves and how we are being treated. Just like in rejection we lose focus of Colossians 3 and how we stand in Christ. Maybe by now you have noticed how hampered the Holy Spirit is by the emotions that make us focus on us.

There are two common threads as we look at the negative emotions. Those are, first our own heart is deceitful and will lie to us, second, we let these emotions get a stronghold when we look at ourselves and become the victim instead of the victor. We have to keep our eyes on who our God is not what He is doing and HE must be the center of our world.

It is a fact that if you take some large species of ocean fish, some that normally grow to over 6 ft and put them in a normal desktop aquarium, they will only grow big enough to suit their environment. Although I am sure many are thankful for this fact it represents a sad larger truth. This world system (Satan) wants to shape your thinking and the course of your life and keep you in that aquarium instead of seeing you thrive and be the new creature in Christ you are meant to be. Every time you give in to the trappings of this world, you jump back in that aquarium and are controlled by those around you instead of the GOD of the universe who has wonderful plans for your life.

Luke 9:51-55

51And it came to pass, when the time was come that he should be received up, he stedfastly set his face to go to Jerusalem,

52And sent messengers before his face: and they went, and entered into a village of the Samaritans, to make ready for him.

53And they did not receive him, because his face was as though he would go to Jerusalem.

54And when his disciples James and John saw this, they said, Lord, wilt thou that we command fire to come down from heaven, and consume them, even as Elias did?

55But he turned, and rebuked them, and said, Ye know not what manner of spirit ye are of.

The disciples wanted to wipe out those who had rejected the advance preparation of Jesus ministry in the Samaritans village. I really chuckle thinking how I would abuse that fire power if I were a disciple. It would be zap city.

We have to look at what Jesus did when they responded this vindictive way to rejection? He questioned them to examine thier identity in Him. He said they had lost their focus on the task for the emotion of being rejected basically.

Jesus had to remind them don’t you know who you are? He rebuked them for thinking they should destroy people over trivial things. Rejection doesn’t end your life it only verifies that someone doesn’t accept you or your ideas. We don’t get our confidence from men so man’s opinion shouldn’t have life shattering affect on us. I like what happened after Jesus scolded them and refocused them on their mission. They went on to another village. WOW! If only we could just move on past things we can’t change or lessen the stronghold in our lives.

Romans 12:17-21

17Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.

18If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

19Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

20Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.

21Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.



Once again when a sentence begins with a verb, the understood subject is you. We are warned to repay evil with good. The phrase :as much as lieth in you” means to depend on Christ in you and do your very best to keep peace.

Now these are hard words to swallow. Anyone divorced, or whose child has been killed by a drunk driver, or who lost a job due to someone lying, almost any violation you can think of seems to ignite a vengeful spirit in us. “I’ll get you for that!” We can also have vengeful thinking “your day is coming.” Do you know what this kind of thinking means in our lives? It means that we aren’t letting go of what was done and giving it residence by dwelling on it. It violates God’s best for us when he said to think on things that are lovely and of a good report. What does God say to do with our need for revenge, allow him to exact it.

Here’s a news flash, God knows exactly what circumstances and judgment to meet out on that individual that will punish them but in a way more like His mercy, lead them to His waiting arms. That is what we should want for those who have harmed us. Their spiritual condition is more important than a relationship with us.

This is where we all raise our hands and say. It’s hard to let go!

I think God has a sense of humor, because knowing all things, He gives us a way to really get under the skin of those who wrong us. Read vs 20 and 21. He even indicates this will have an affect on them.

I Thessalonians 5:

14Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men.

15See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men.

16Rejoice evermore.

17Pray without ceasing.

18In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

19Quench not the Spirit.

20Despise not prophesyings.

21Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.

22Abstain from all appearance of evil.

23And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

24Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.



I like this verse because it tells us something Christians too often forget. We are to never give evil to those who are not saved and just as important those who are the part of the body of believers. We are to trust Christ with the entire matter knowing that God loves that person and is working in their life. Be faithful stay the course. Expect to be misunderstood.



I Peter 2:23-25





So many times over my years of teaching, there were times I could have really blasted a kid caught in an offense. Yet my patience and kindness, even bearing their obnoxious attitude, always won them over. I don’t know how many in my life have later told me that they knew I loved them by my actions. I am not talking about letting someone violate you. I am talking about picking your battles with this thought in mind. How will this best glorify God and represent my Lord when I handle this situation. This leads us to the next point. How do we handle matters that offend us.



I Corinthians 6:1-8



We have to be careful that the world doesn’t set the tone for how we handle matters with others. We live in a dog eat dog culture. The name of the Lord gets dragged through the mud every time anyone claiming anything to do with God fails to be careful in their dealings with others. How many times do we hear in the news that so and so was this or that in the church.



One of the first things a Christian needs to do is stop the score keeping. You will never be able to even the score by getting another person to act as you think you should. As a matter of fact this often backfires. Proverbs 26:27. Revenge really belongs in the hands of GOD who knows mans heart and can justly give due recompense of reward. Proverbs 20:22.

Dear One, I love you and pray for you daily.

Quit You Like Men Be Strong, There’s no excuse to be a jerk.

It will take an honest man to listen to or read the following message and be real with it. This message will be received one of 2 ways. It will either offend you and you will despise it or it will send you into prayer for God’s will. I am not a man and it sent me to examine even more of my life and seek GOD to help me with some more areas I am learning in. I don’t think you will be unchanged by it. It is not like me to be so bold to just flat out say without apology that someone else is wrong in their actions. You can’t be right with God and all wrong with women in your life. That is just not possible. Lying isn’t Godly whether to yourself or to others. It’s time to for us all to wake up. There’s a greek word Dikaiosune talks about righteousness- it’s time to be real with it.

to hear this message in entirety cut and paste this link

http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3789887&ct=6962121


Mark Driscoll: The first is Little Boy Larry. Little Boy Larry, he’s a total sweetheart. He’s a guy 20’s, 30’s, god forbid 40’s. Can’t keep a job. Forgets to set his alarm. He’s eight years into his undergraduate studies. Works part time because it stresses him out. Still lives with his mom. Maybe he moved out but his mom’s always worried about him so she brings him groceries and picks up his laundry and helps pay his bills. Little Boy Larry is a totally nice guy. He’s a real sweetie pie. So nobody ever kicks him in the batteries. He gets away with murder. Little Boy Larry really loves his mom because she’s always changing his proverbial diaper. And his hope is to meet a really nice gal with a good job and a house.

[laughter]

So that he can go from his mom to his girlfriend or wife. He’ll come up with dumb ideas like I’ll be the stay at home dad.
[laughter]

I’m really good with kids since I am one.

[laughter]

They really like me because we relate to one another as children. Little Boy Larry is a joke. He gets away with murder especially in the Christian church where he tends to be majority. Women who are attracted to these men say, “but I really love him.” Yes, you’re attracted to him as a mother is attracted to an orphaned child. But that’s not a marriage. That’s a mother-child affection. That is not a wife-husband affection. You don’t look at this man, ladies, and say, I respect him. I want my sons to be like him. I want my daughters to marry men like him. You say things like, “he has a lot of potential and no one understands him.” I do. He’s an idiot.

[laughter]

And, he’s fooled you.

Number 2—there’s sturdy oak, Owen. This is the dad who goes to work and comes home, pays the bills, turns on the TV and checks out. This is the dad who he is physically present but emotionally absent. He’s always working on his car, he’s always on the internet, he’s always in his study, he always in the garage, he’s always in the yard. You’ll say, “Dad, you were never there.” He’s like, “I was always there.” Yes, in a comatose state. There are some of you here your dad never said I love you. He never hugged you. He never encouraged you. And what he would say is, what do you mean I wasn’t a good dad? I put food on the table. I put a roof over your head and I came home every night and I was there. He was there. Present. Connected. Participating. That’s a coward. That guy is ultimately a coward. He’s afraid to get involved in the lives of his wife and children.

Number 3—there’s hyper spiritual Henry. This guy drives me insane. This guy drives me insane. This is the guy with Christian t shirts, Christian bumper stickers, always listening to praise music, always reading the latest trendy Christian garbage book. Everything’s about God but it never really makes any sense. He wants everybody to know how hyper spiritual he is to the point where his wife and children are embarrassed by him. Some of you had this dad. You’re out to dinner guy comes to pour the water and he’s like do you know Jesus is the water of life and he could have streams of living water come from you. The 14 year old kid grabs a salad fork and is trying to go under the table and find their jugular just to end their life.

[laughter]

Because their dad is embarrassing. Last name is Flanders. Terrible.

[laughter]
To be the spiritual leader, gentlemen, does not mean that you’re just a total freakish oddball.

Number 4—there’s good time Gary. Good time Gary. Everybody loves him. Life of the party. He is funny. He is charming. He is winsome. He is entertaining. There’s always a crowd of people around him. Everybody likes him. He gets along with everybody. And here’s the key. Everybody loves him. Nobody respects him. Because he’s a joke. That’s why he’s so funny. He doesn’t just tell jokes. He is one. Every time something happens in his life he just turns it into a joke. He doesn’t realize that his life is the joke. Can’t hold a job. Can’t pay his bills. Can’t get out of bed in the morning. Can’t follow through on a commitment. Can’t stay organized. Can’t see anything through to completion. Everybody loves him. Nobody respects him. He’ll draw a crowd but they won’t follow him because he’s not going anywhere. He’s not a leader.

A wife who is married to this guy eventually he becomes not so cute. Not so funny. Not so clever. He becomes profoundly annoying. She’s tired of the jokes and the good times and the everything’s funny and aren’t I clever and cute. She wants a real man she can depend on. She gets sick of it.

Men are prone toward chauvinism or cowardice. Too much. Too little.

Bob: I was watching you as you were listening to that. You were laughing sometimes but nodding and shaking your head a lot. You think that’s a pretty fair description of where a lot of guys are?

Dennis: I think we need to be speaking the truth in love. We don’t want to unnecessarily beat anybody up with the scripture or shame them or whatever but you know what. It’s time for men to be men who are courageous. In Joshua chapter 1 four times God commands the nation of Israel fear not, be courageous. Fear not, be courageous. And I think if there is a man listening right now and he’s going I was one of those four. Then you know what you need to find another man who is a real man. Who can help you step up and coach you out of where you are because you don’t have to stay there. Life is too short to live all wrapped up in yourself and that’s what all four of those are. Cowardly men who were not laying down their lives on behalf of others.

Bob: In that message Mark said that there is an opposite error to cowardice and that’s the error of chauvinism. It’s the error of being a dictatorial abuser. Well, he had four different descriptors for the chauvinist and not only did he have descriptors for them but he always has some strong words for them.

Dennis: And if you felt like the canoe just got placed in the white water we’re about to move into a class 5 rapids in the middle of the Grand Canyon. Now, some of you are going to recoil at the intensity with which Mark shares these points. But I have to tell you I felt like the intensity was right.

Bob: Well, here’s Mark’s description of the four different kinds of chauvinists that you find in the church today.

Mark: I’ve been dealing with men for enough years at this point and I’ll share with you some of these guys. The chauvinist don’t understand masculinity and how to treat a woman so there are four basic versions of this failure that I have witnessed.

The first is no sissy stuff Sam. This is the guy he doesn’t know what a man is he just knows a man is not a woman. So whatever a woman is he’s going to be the opposite. Right? Some of you guys have this dad. Mom hugs so he doesn’t hug. Mom says she loves you so he doesn’t say he loves you. Mom kisses you so he doesn’t kiss you because that’s girl stuff. This guy doesn’t understand that men and women are both made in the image and likeness of God. That they have the same emotions and passions and experiences and they tend to express them in masculine or feminine ways but being a man is not the opposite of being a woman that you are both made in the likeness of God and you express yourself in masculine and feminine ways. These guys tend to think that to be a man means this, you can belch the loudest, spit the farthest, and punch the hardest. That’s a man. That’s not a man. That’s a joke. That’s a joke. There is no woman here today praying God send me that. I want a real man.

[laughter]

But too many guys especially guys that a single too long and guys who put 27 guys into a one bedroom apartment so they can each spend $30 dollars a month on red and spend all their time just rocking out to guitar hero that’s what those guys think.

[laughter]

And they are idiots.

Number 2—success and status Stuart. This is the guy he defines himself the Bible says by what he has and does. He has this sort of left over hyper jock competitive mentality. Here’s how much I make. Here’s how my company is doing. Here’s my car. Here’s my house. Here’s my success. Here’s my wins. Here’s my victories. And he treats his wife just like another trophy. Her job is to look pretty and be quiet. Just make him look good as yet another notch on his belt. He doesn’t love her well. He doesn’t serve her well. He’s more worried about his income and possessions than wife and his children.

Number 3—there’s give em hell Hank. This is the guy he’s got anger, violence, short temper, rude, crude, mean. He’s harsh. He’s overbearing. He’s intimidating. He’s scary. He is scary. Are you this guy? Is your wife scared of you? What kind of man intimidates a woman?

Number 4—I’m the boss, Bob. This guy is just bossy. He thinks wherever he is that he is the king of the whole thing. He’s always telling everybody what to do. He stands back at a distance like a drill sergeant and just barks out orders to his wife and barks out orders to his children. He has a hard time keeping a job because he always is bossing around his employer and his employees and no one can stand him. He thinks that being a man means being bossy and overbearing. These guys are the worst when they show up at church. They want to be in authority not under authority. These are the guys who show up and immediately say, “I want to lead. Put me in charge of something.”

You’re in charge of shutting up. That can be your specialty. These are the guys when you rebuke them they just leave the church and they take their wife and children with them and their wife and children suffer because this is a guy who loves to be in authority, refuses to be under authority, likes to tell everyone what to do, and he himself can’t be told anything.

I’ve got a list of these guys. You can see it in their wife’s face. She’s miserable. You can see it in their children. They despise their father. And he’s oblivious because he’s an imbecile. And they go from church to church to church and evidentially it’s like well, we can’t find a good church meaning I can’t find a pastor dumb enough to take my orders.

That’s how chauvinism works itself out. Men, when you read the Bible and you read words like head of the household if you think it means something like this you’re an idiot. You’re abusive. You’re dangerous and you’re a fool.

Some of you guys. It’s so frustrating. Some of you guys have been coming here for years. You still have your hands all over your girlfriend. Some of you guys have been coming here for years and you’re still not praying with your wife. Some of you guys have been coming here for years and you’re still single and having sex. Some of you guys will even even as I’m preaching this sermon some of you will be sitting next your girlfriend, fiancé, or your wife some of you guys have already given her that look. Don’t cry, don’t let them know they are talking about me just hold it together. You’ve already intimidated her right here. Some of you guys have already whispered in her ear, “I don’t want to hear it. We’re not talking about this in the car on the way home.” Some of you have already whispered in her ear, “I’m sorry, I’ll do better. Trust me. Let’s just move on real quickly.

How dare you? Who do you think you are? Abusing a woman. Neglecting a woman. Being a coward. A fool. Being like your father Adam. You’re not god. You’re just a man. You’re not an impressive man. You’re not a responsible man. You’re not a noble man. You’re not a respectable man. You’re not a responsible man in any regard. I don’t care how successful you. In this area if you are a failure it clouds all of your dignity. It robs all of your masculinity. There is no excuse for any man who claims the name of Christ to treat a woman in a dishonorable, disrespectable way. Some of you right now you’ll get all angry. How dare he yell at me. That’s the Holy Spirit telling you it’s you. I didn’t name you He did. You change now little boy. You change right now. You shut up. You put your pants on. You get a job. You grow and maybe one day you can love a woman. It’s for men not for boys. And those of you men who are here and your wives are suffering under your folly and failure. Shame on you. And shame on you if you say you’re a Christian. And shame on you if you’ve been attending Mars Hill. And shame on you if you’ve been surrounded by good men and have pursued none of them. And shame on you if you’ve not become a member and submitted to spiritual authority. And shame on you if you’ve not joined a community group so you can walk in darkness. And shame on you if you show up to put communion in your hands representing the body and blood of your murdered Savior and then go put them on your girlfriend or download porn from the internet or raise your hand in a threat to your wife. Shame on you. You guys are a joke.

And there’s a handful of good men that are tired of picking up your mess. So you step up. You shut up. You man up. You do business with God. You use all that anger you have toward me right now to repent.

You can’t make God feel bad about you

I was listening to a message and this phrase came up. “You can’t make God feel bad about you” The message was on the Lord bearing our burdens. Now I have many times in my life looked around as some of you and wondered where is GOD? There is a song “ You can’t ask too much of my God.” Beth Moore says often “tell God he can take it!” Well……………………….. lets put all that into this evenings post.

Sometimes in the midst of a huge struggle we think NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE!!! Now a few months down the road life takes turns and poof things change and you wonder if you will ever feel something that resembles normal again.

You look around and see all the destruction and feel as if a small nuclear bomb of the soul has gone off. You wonder if you will see past your hurt and tears to know and feel something other than empty pain. You wonder if you will keep the cycle going that has brought you full circle to where you vowed you would never been again. I have been in those places and the new turn in my blog is me digging out from the rubble. Rubble? Yeah, I have messed up some things, I have made mistakes and like it or not mistakes have consequences. Once they are out of the box all you feel that you can do is damage control. Damage control leads to covering up and denial but a real life assessments are necessary and reality checks in order. David was a heart searcher. He was a man after God’s heart but he too suffered under the world’s system. No wonder God said our hearts are deceitful and wicked. It’s the tricks that we play on ourselves that deceive us from the inside the most.

So lets look at life. Is life based on what I feel or what the truth is? Well anyone honest would say it’s based on the truth. What is the truth? God is truth. Should I expect to find life outside that fact. Nope, but ah that is where I get into trouble. My filters are not truth based they are created by me and everything that happens without God’s truth gets filtered in a way that is flawed. That creates havoc on my inside and a facade on the outside. I can’t get away with that long without a melt down. Basically, I am a “one God gal” I come running back to my Father with my bruised knees. I can’t live very long in darkness or shaded truth. I am not talking about legalism and I don’t like folks throwing that word around as if digging for excuses. Grace is the undeniable expression of God’s love toward us. If you were to sum up the total bridge that Jesus provides us to God it would be girded with truth and covered with grace. Ah, what a Savior, what a great and mighty God who loves us so. What an infinite well of water that we never thirst again.

My truth filters often are not subject to God’s truth as much as I would like for them too. I can justify just about anything if I am prideful and stubborn. That is why reading the WORD of God is paramount to understanding our Maker and Creator. My ways are foolish but His ways are noble. Even when I fail, my holy Father loves me, never leaves me, isn’t surprised, and doesn’t feel bad about me. He will not love me less. All praise belongs to him

Bitter? Me? *Shock Face*

I am here! I can't believe it. I have let a root of bitterness settle in my life. I went to church today hoping to sing and lift my heart a little. It is Mother's Day and the second one without my children. It's been over 6 years since my family was intact as a whole traditional family. Four of those years we were surviving under the grace of God doing the best we all could to heal. Two little precious children were rocked when the "angel of divorce" ( added for dramatic emphasis) came knocking at our door. Not trying to be insensitive to divorce because it has been one of the most life changing factors in my recent life. Just able to be down the road knowing it will change your life but not end it. Pre-divorce I had a Mayberry existence and could have never entertained the idea of being single today. My bitterness came as a surprise to me. I had my own idea of who I was and how much strength I had. Never would I have admitted as a Christian that I was bitter. The connotation was one of a person who was very angry at life who didn't have a voice in their circumstances and who now must put together what others tore apart with some of the pieces missing. Yikes! That is who I have become. My story will sound boring but you never know who is reading so I will give a brief synopsis. My Dad was distant I married a copy of him who was distant most of the marriage but I didn't know any better because it was my normal. When he stated he was having and affair I divorced him. I haven't had a successful relationship and don't know if that is possible for me. That is a side issue. What I have discovered is that I am bitter from being rejected and held distant. I thought I was angry but my anger somewhere on the road turned to bitterness. I find myself angry at every person and everything. I think things I generally had a high threshold of patience for are now so annoying. My stomach is in knots and my spiritual life is AAAACCCCCKKKK!! I thought if so and so would just do this or that all would be right in my world. BUZZZZZZZZZZ nope that is not going to fix this. The root of bitterness has to go. It has to be excised. All the things that cause it have to go out the window. I had no clue it was there but now that I do, it would be pride and rebellion on my part to leave it alone to fester and infest all who are around me with my "wonderfulness" (sarcasm) I am not wonderful when I am in this shape. Never been here before but I know what wonderful is and it "aint" me. I am hard to deal with, restless, angry, short tempered, sick, hurt, frustrated. An ant crossing the 4 lane highway gets my attention just because my senses are on "full alert" Lord help anyone who gets a blast of me. It's like meeting a flame thrower. Why would I post this? Because I want to be back to my cute and funny loving self. I don't want to be so occupied with my pain that I forget to live the good times now. Here's what happened at church today. I have asked God to help me forgive where needed, press the delete button on things that need to go, and to help restore what I have lost in this season of hurt and frustration. I have asked him to help me not strive, complain, and argue my way through this time of growth and healing but to put him first. I want to praise through this no matter how deep the valley or dark the storm. I am laying down my weapons and giving up my own strength to allow God to fight this battle. "See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by it many be defiled." (Hebrews 12:15)

We are not meant to survive-huh?

I know it sounds misleading but hear me out. I was listening to a message this week and wanted to share some of the ideas. I always have side table discussion with myself when I hear something because I am evaluating things constantly. Here’s the thing. Why do we live and cling and cower when we are supposed to live an abundant life? Did Jesus die so we could just merely survive? Was he bruised for our transgressions so that we can just meagerly make it. What I am saying is this, the joy of the Lord is my strength. Wait, joy= strength. I thought if you were strong you would automatically have joy because strong folks do not ger run over by life and do not struggle and fail. Well that is the key strong folks don’t do those things but get this, they are not strong and then have joy, They have joy in the Lord which makes them strong. Something inside is driving them like a power plant giving them energy when things seem hopeless and giving them the last mile that folks always tell us we are supposed to go. Something inside gives them joy when life is not picture perfect. That power is Christ inside. Women of strength and valor are that way because of the indwelling of Christ and the leading of the Holy Spirit. Lesson One in moving on, tune in same bat time same bat channel for the next place I take this thought.

Trust, Relationships and Harm's Way

Trust is hard to define for me but is something that I know is vital in a relationship. When it is gone the relationship is over. Someone once said, "if only I were the person my dog thinks I am." I don't know all of the implications of trust or a lack thereof. I can only speak from a personal perspective. So I will plod along here for a few minutes if you will allow.

If you have read any of my previous post you have seen a couple of facts about me that might shed light on this post so I will repeat them here. Basically, I was grew up in a home with a very distant father, then I became a Christian and met and married a man who was on track to be a preacher, we met at Bible college and served the Lord in the music ministry at a fundamental Baptist church until he ran off with another woman. I know some would think, aaaack, don't say all of that online. Well, two things to consider, one what I might say could possibly help someone which would make it all work together for good, and secondly I find I need to share it somewhere.

So maybe I will give God a break and say it here :) . My marriage in 1982 was I thought a time in my life that was exciting and wonderful. I dearly loved my husband and what I thought was partnership and teamwork became burden and bondage to him. We never seemed to be on the same page. I thought if you love the Lord there would be fruit. He led the choir in our church and I taught in a Christian school. He never prayed, had a desire for souls, or read the Bible, slept in church and went through the motions.

There was always a tension there but I still thought the first 10 years we were just a normal couple and that because I didn't really know or understand the love of my father that I had to not put too much stock into the "something." Unfortunately, my coping mechanism was to see reality in a light that was more of a fantasy than what was really happening. I changed the truth into fantasy. I was clueless trying to love beyond all of it thinking love was enough.

In 1992, he had his first affair. I never saw it coming and was totally blown away emotionally. That is what happens when you believe in fantasies. When reality rears it's head you are in shock. I would say that day trust between us died. We stuck it out past 2 more affairs to finally divorce in 2001. I never could look at him again the same way. I couldn't get back in the game because he became to me someone who could throw me away and put me back to remembrance of my childhood pain.

I have loved since my first marriage but found that trust again has become an issue with me. I know now that I can not and will never exist in a relationship where there is no trust. Once broken I can not dream or imagine past the reality that trust is gone. No matter how much my heart might want to, my head now knows better. If someone betrays you no matter what their intention was there is no partnership, no team, no future, no hope, no value, no committment. That is how I believe it is and staying around is only to make yourself a victim. The truth builds a foundation that will stand the test and trials of life. Deception is not the work of God. So when people show you who they are you have to believe them to do otherwise is to put your emotional health in harm's way.

We can only trust our faithful God in this life if we want assurance of safety.

Freedom and Victory

Romans 7:14-25
14 For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin.

What a declaration from the beginning of this passage. The words “we know.” There is nothing new under the sun and not much that we don’t know about what GOD expects in the area of our sin. We know God’s Word is the authority on these matters.

Have you ever known without any shadow of a doubt that something was being done in the flesh and still proceeded?

15 For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.

We can all find ourselves in the preceding verses. Without a doubt we know that certain behaviors lead us to shame and hurt. Self-loathing becomes a norm and we continue to feed our flesh telling ourselves all the while that “we just have to”

Have you ever hated yourself for being right back ensnared in a sin that you once had victory over? The good news is that if you once had or never had victory over that sin you can today! God is accountable to us to keep His Promises that we will cover later.

16 If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. 17 Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.

I think human nature is defined in vs 16. Have you ever known someone so well that you said whatever they tell you to do … you’ll do opposite. That is the point made in vs 16. It’s so ingrained in us to do opposite of what the Spirit calls us to do. As a matter of fact the verse here is saying explicitly that the only way to agree with the law is to do opposite of what we want.

18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.
Recognizing the fact that in our flesh dwells no good thing will help us to regard the enemy within with due respect. Remember we are “born into sin.” Basically here the Bible says that it is easier to do what _______________ than to perform that which is ______. Notice the phrase “I find not” We have to aggressively seek to do that which is good. It doesn’t just happen to us. Sin will easily happen because in many cases just doing nothing brings it on.
What does this mean? Well God cannot lie and in His Word He promises that we have an escape for every temptation. That escape can be as simple as physically leaving the presence of a temptation or taking your thoughts captive. In either case it requires an active, purposeful decision on your part. That decision will not be as clear without the Word dwelling in you for ready access.


1Co 10:18
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. 20 Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 21 I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.

Here again we see the conflict, at one time we live in the flesh for a season and another in the Spirit. God’s desire for us is to live in the Spirit and have the peace that comes with that. We can see in the following verses the relation of living that way.

22 For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:

When life is rolling along and we are getting (and the word getting is appropriate) the victory GOD intended we do delight in the perfect peace that passeth all understanding. All too often we do not recognize the war and return to our complacency in our sin.

23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24 O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?

IS there hope….. ? It seems that recognizing the war is part of the victory. And a good plan of attack is alluded to in the previous verses. The war is against our mind and brings us into captivity. We have to reverse this process and form our mind as outlined in the Bible we have to bring some things into captivity.

25 I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

These verses below are a springboard for aggressively denying the flesh unto obedience to God.

Philippians 2:1-51 If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, 2 Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. 4 Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. 5 Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:


I Corinthians 10:4-6
4 (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) 5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; 6 And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.

Execution

I know what it feels like to be executed by life

I wish you were dead so I could have the girls and the money.

Whether you intend to or not you are always communicating. Some relationships fail due to communication but the reason is not that you are not communicating it is because what you are communicating conditions the person to contrive their own assessment of the "state of the union" I know in my case that was the one thing I could say broke up my marriage. My ex communicated to me that I was not wanted and needed but necessary to "clean the house, take care of the kids" When you percieve your wife that way then it causes her to do her darndest to try to win that level of achievement of being wanted and needed. This sets up a friction that erodes the relationship because the man then feels chased and this demise begins. After 20 years of this my ex husband ran off with someone and had an affair. This was the ultimate reason I left him. Looking back is not something I want to do too often but I can see that basically he never invested in me. I was an existence in the same house with him but there was never a time when he cared about being a team or partner. I remember always waiting for that magic day but it never came. The day that did come was a day in which I could tell he was distraught and I asked what I could do to help or if he wanted to tell me all about it. We went upstairs because we never let life's troubles worry our children. I sat on the bed and he sat there and eyeball to eyeball he told me verbatim, "I wish you were dead" I expected to hear about a job trouble or spiritual problem but never did I expect those words. I remember my heart beating so hard it hurt and I asked why on earth would he wish that. He said, "so I could have the girls and the money" I wasn't horrified I was completely ripped down to nothing. My whole life with him culminated in this statement. It was 18 months later that he called from a business trip to say he was in love with someone else and I needed to get a lawyer. I did get a lawyer and 20 years of marriage was over. I remember thinking after the dust settled that I was relieved. I had lived most of that time trying to please someone who was never in love with me or at least that is what he said when I asked him one day what happened to make him leave. It was a hard life to live never being able to become one. Six years later I am feeling the same way again.

I began thinking I could have a chance in another relationship. I know my "being distant" radar is high and once my daughter said that she didn't want me to be alone but that someone would have to overcome alot of hurt to reach my heart again. I did try once more. I was first in the position serving and loving someone and it was my joy to, this turned to trying to please them and not make mistakes. The progression of the distance I was kept because they couldn't embrace the idea then turned to being one of friction that has frustrated me. I have been conditioned to believe that I can't have relationships with anyone ever period. Now instead of looking for a way to make it work most of my time is spent being conditioned that I am not wanted, not needed. Full circle except that I am not willing to stay in a relationship that makes me feel this way. Loving me just shouldn't be so hard. I reflect the watering of my garden.

Past the Tears

Ever want something so much that you ache for it? Ever cry then get to a point of realizing that you can't cry anymore? Ever give up on a dream? Ever asked yourself why am I doing this?

Yeah the list goes on blah blah blah ....... I have noticed that I am numbing to some of my dreams. I am not sure if that is a protective measure or if God is taking away the desires I have for a mate or for love. I just know that I seem to be apathetic about the whole issue. I don't go to bed thinking I might have a chance to be married again or there might be a better day ahead. I don't imagine how life could be or what might have been. I just recently turned 47 and it was bittersweet. There were no gifts or celebration of any kind and I was in urgent care for chest and arm pain only to have a cardio stress test and find out my heart is like that of a 30 year old. Go me.

But what I am uncertain about is what is going on with me. I just can't imagine some of the things I have been through happening to one person in one life. Some I have brought my way but the majority have been hard and have brought me to the point of thinking that maybe love isn't all it's cracked up to be. Not family love or the love of great friends. I don't seem to have any problem loving others. I am talking about relationships with the opposite sex.

I just have no desire to worry or fret over having that closeness again. It doesn't make sense to keep hoping, praying, and yearning for something especially if you are met with resistance or rejection. I don't know what has switched in me or if God has answered my prayer not to desire that so much. I have no doubt God will lead me and guide me. Either way maybe this will be a time in my life I can move forward in the Lord.

Learning to Walk

(still working on this one not complete)
I don't remember learning to walk or talk but I do remember watching my girls learn both. They would look at me and try to take that step. Sometimes I would reach out and hold their little hand that would grip mine as they would take assisted steps. I would let go but stay near to see if they could balance on their own. Wobble, wobble, wobble, then poof right down they would go. Each time we did the exercise the wobbles were less and the time standing would increase. In my absence when I wasn't there to offer assistance they would pull up to things but never let go to walk. It wasn't long before they took that first step. I remember clapping and hugging and praising. We both had so much joy. Sometimes they would look at me and move that foot almost as if they enjoyed me enjoying them. I miss those days. That celebration transfered to each milestone they achieved. It was a celebration of many first to come. First bike ride without training wheels, learning to skate, academics, sports and then the best of all a relationship with God. It all was so natural to nurture and love and water their garden as they bloomed. They have bloomed to be exceptional children with room to grow as we always have.

Can you imagine how their lives would have turned out if when they first pulled up to something I sat them down and scowled at them? What if I said to them, you forced your way here and I am resentful dealing with your presence. Can you imagine me assisting them then letting go and watching them fall only to say it was their own fault for trying? What if I tore up the first paper they brought home from school or analyzed it for not being what I thought it should be. Imagine that first "art project" ending up in the trash. What if their eyes longing for the natural parental relationship and love that should be there, were instead met with disapproval as if they could or had to do something to make me love and accept them? Can you imagine telling that child that the way they are makes you reject them? Even worse telling them that something needs to change to be accepted but you have to guess what that is. A child like that would feel so rejected and would eventually stop trying to gain love and acceptance. They will usually look for it elsewhere in order to get out of the house as fast as they can. They wouldn't know how win and would lose the desire to. They might see glimpses of hope but eventually the rejection would become so painful they would shut down in that direction.

It's hurtful to even write such imaginations because it hits too close to home. I have been that child in my lifetime in a few situations. I am that child right now.

Yesteday was my birthday. I spent it in silence at work digging in and getting things done. I then went home and prepared to go to the doctor for chest and arm pain. Sitting there alone was hard but necessary. I left there to go home concerned for what my medical condition might be only to further be torn to shreds to my very core. What I started out hearing in shock ended in pain. I can't describe it all but can say that when nothing changes nothing changes. I have to learn to walk all over again. I feel rejected, totally misunderstood, and shut down which was what I was trying to prevent. I can't describe how much this hurts, I can't even talk about it. My art work was my dreams and they are all smashed.

Where's God. Well that is the good news. God is right here being the first parent, watching me fall and helping me up. Seeing me cry and drying my tears. God is there celebrating whatever I salvage from this. I can look up in any direction and God is there. I need to let him heal this because this time it's bigger than my ability.

I have become like that child that wants to give up. I have tried to restrain myself from that but can't. I can't and don't desire to continue in the vein I have been traveling. I just want to go home at this point.

Ever feel like your journey is this way?

Ever feel like you start something and keep running into brick walls only to find when you turn the corner another brick wall appears again? I have the coffee mug and tee shirt for this one. I can't do this anymore. I just can't. My heart is tired for sure and to wind up at the same starting place is insanity. What do you do?
Well first look up to your Father who is there regardless of the walls. I can't see through the walls but I can look up to God who not only can see through them but who knows what they mean. Secondly, maybe the journey continues to the same place because you are not learning what you need to learn. Yikes, I so hate that but it might just be true. Third, maybe you shouldn't have started that particular journey. Fourth and optimistically, maybe you should begin a new journey that is more open to who you are and what you are all about and open to who God is in your life. I actually have never seen a dog bark up the wrong tree but I have seen plenty of folks do it.
If your journey is only met with brick walls then something has to change. What will it be. New job, new location, new set of friends, renewing your mind in Christ, seeking God first. There are so many opportunities awaiting you. The one thing that you can't do is sit still and batter and bruise yourself against those walls. God bless.

God's Total Acceptance

I thought long and hard before writing this but sometimes you have to give a voice to your heart. I see the Psalms almost as David's blog. Thank God he was transparent in his pain and success so that we can see that Christians don't have to be perfect but are perfectly forgiven. I have a lot to learn and some growing and healing still to do. The stabilizing force in my life is the love of God. I know beyond any moment or inconvenience or pain I experience that God is there. I am never alone. I may feel alone but feelings are not reality sometimes. What I have to trust is what God has said. I was told all my life not to be selfish to think of others and in doing that I let me out of the mix. Now I am learning and growing and reflecting and I see so much that I could have grown in that I didn't because I was serving others. No regrets but it's time to take care of myself better emotionally, physically, and most important spiritually. I love life and am trying to find my place in a new world that I don't understand yet. Spending 17 years in education in a protected Christian environment did not prepare me for what I am experiencing now. I will be 47 and still am learning some things folks learn in their 20's.

Any man who wants to be in my life is going to have to love me or lose me. I just don't have time to analyze, self reflect, remake, or cajole or plea. Who wants relationship where you are guessing or wondering. Who would want a relationship where there is someone on the other end waiting for life to come together to live. Either I am valued or I am not. I can't apologize for being me, for feeling, for caring or for loving. I trust God when I am wrong or out of line to show me and hope to continue to grow. I appreciate the folks he uses in my life to show me also.

Thank God for total acceptance .........

Awakened Dreamer

I have no value in this life which I finally understand. No one loves me enough to love me forever except God. I resign to that fact and cease my quest for love. I have awakened from one bad dream to the next to find out that no matter how much you hope, pray, love, care, and give, folks who don't want you just simply don't and you can't change that. It's as transcendental as the love of God who won't force someone to love him back. I should have known better but I dreamed past my head and heart. Now they have caught up and I am a million miles from where I need to be at this time in my life. It will be a long journey back to me, the person I used to know. Praise the Lord, He will walk with me I will not be afraid. Dear Father, your child needs her shepherd to find the fold again and be safe. Trying to explain what God means to me and why I see His Love as an exchange which is exhibited by my submission and service. If you just hear the words to this song and let them sink in… especially the part that says……. MY CHAINS ARE GONE…. You would understand what my heart knows.

I am free from the sting of death…….. Sin brings death…..physical for sure but also the death of life abundant the spiritual death.
Spiritual death is when the ravages of sin brings the death of right thinking, of dreams, of vision, of compassion, of right desires and actions.

I HAVE BEEN SET FREE BY TRUTH of who God is, what He has done, and who I am in HIM. >…. Not by what others think or this world defines.

Dear One ………….. I hope and pray you know the same so deep in your soul you can’t escape it. ………all power and strength comes by the grace of GOD. It’s all yours and has been since day one.

I understand that no one will love me enough to love me forever except God and that in this life I have no value except the value He gives me.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXV6HJxUebg
Chris Tomlin

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see
‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine But God,
Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

God bless those who love and encourage folks. Great is your reward.

I love this song by Casting Crowns!
She is running
100 Miles an hour
In the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyons ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadverture just to find
she's another 2 years older and she's 3 more steps behind
Chorus:Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Lord does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
with all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in,to ride in and save the day
And then walks in her prince charming
and he knows just what to say
A momentary lapse of reason and she gives herself away
Chorus:Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Lord does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeplewith all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Who can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her
If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Who can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her
Never even met her
Chorus:Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Lord does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeplewith all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?