Execution

I know what it feels like to be executed by life

I wish you were dead so I could have the girls and the money.

Whether you intend to or not you are always communicating. Some relationships fail due to communication but the reason is not that you are not communicating it is because what you are communicating conditions the person to contrive their own assessment of the "state of the union" I know in my case that was the one thing I could say broke up my marriage. My ex communicated to me that I was not wanted and needed but necessary to "clean the house, take care of the kids" When you percieve your wife that way then it causes her to do her darndest to try to win that level of achievement of being wanted and needed. This sets up a friction that erodes the relationship because the man then feels chased and this demise begins. After 20 years of this my ex husband ran off with someone and had an affair. This was the ultimate reason I left him. Looking back is not something I want to do too often but I can see that basically he never invested in me. I was an existence in the same house with him but there was never a time when he cared about being a team or partner. I remember always waiting for that magic day but it never came. The day that did come was a day in which I could tell he was distraught and I asked what I could do to help or if he wanted to tell me all about it. We went upstairs because we never let life's troubles worry our children. I sat on the bed and he sat there and eyeball to eyeball he told me verbatim, "I wish you were dead" I expected to hear about a job trouble or spiritual problem but never did I expect those words. I remember my heart beating so hard it hurt and I asked why on earth would he wish that. He said, "so I could have the girls and the money" I wasn't horrified I was completely ripped down to nothing. My whole life with him culminated in this statement. It was 18 months later that he called from a business trip to say he was in love with someone else and I needed to get a lawyer. I did get a lawyer and 20 years of marriage was over. I remember thinking after the dust settled that I was relieved. I had lived most of that time trying to please someone who was never in love with me or at least that is what he said when I asked him one day what happened to make him leave. It was a hard life to live never being able to become one. Six years later I am feeling the same way again.

I began thinking I could have a chance in another relationship. I know my "being distant" radar is high and once my daughter said that she didn't want me to be alone but that someone would have to overcome alot of hurt to reach my heart again. I did try once more. I was first in the position serving and loving someone and it was my joy to, this turned to trying to please them and not make mistakes. The progression of the distance I was kept because they couldn't embrace the idea then turned to being one of friction that has frustrated me. I have been conditioned to believe that I can't have relationships with anyone ever period. Now instead of looking for a way to make it work most of my time is spent being conditioned that I am not wanted, not needed. Full circle except that I am not willing to stay in a relationship that makes me feel this way. Loving me just shouldn't be so hard. I reflect the watering of my garden.